Tuesday, March 2.
So just spend the week with a friend in Truro. Fun times, even though the city is quite boring when you have no way to get around, oh and yeah everyone is English… boo me! So, I got to practice my English. I had the chance to go see my dad. It was the first time I saw him in his pad. Lovely place. He seems to get by ok. The only bad thing here is I stop eating for most of the day. I know it’s bad but I don’t seem to get hungry. I only eat around supper time. And when I eat I feel sick… can someone say anorexic much? FML.
I’m probably leaving around Thursday because a lot of friends are coming down in Moncton and i want to have the chance to see them as well. I’ll take the bus in the morning, so I’ll probably be in town around 11, if the damn bus isn’t late like Sunday. We had to wait an extra hour for the bus to leave for god knows what reason. I was afraid to fall asleep not to miss my stop.
I’m feeling quite good about myself these past days. I think coming here was good for me. I wanted to say to my dad that I’m gay but haven’t got the guts to tell him yet. Stupid me and stupid conscience. Always telling me the possibilities of shit that could happen. I’ve also been sleeping a lot, like really a lot, Full nights and most of the day while he’s in class. I’m not sure that’s a good thing. Maybe i really need the rest or maybe my body is telling me something. Either way it’s bothers me that I’m either really tired or maybe sick. I should go see a doctor and get a quick check up. But, the doctors in Moncton are quite ill and dumb to my satisfaction. Don’t trust them and won’t.
Meanwhile, I wonder if coming here to visit my friend was a mistake or not. Feelings are unveiling and I not quite sure what to think of them. I knew what I felt for him and he knew as well. But as the week go by, I’m afraid I’m going to be the one standing hurt and wound… like always. I just wish he could untangle his feeling so he could make a choice. I guess life doesn’t always get you what you want but I’m so used to get what I want. One of my mottos is “What Bernard wants, Bernard gets”. And usually it works, I get what I want and get away with it. But this time it seems to be a lost cause, and that scares me because for once I really let myself go and show my true feelings. And I probably wasn’t worth it. Of course, I’ll get thought it and get over it like usually. It wouldn’t be the first time he’d do this to me. I just can’t get enough of him. Or maybe there’s something wrong with me? I’m maybe broken or something and I just can’t go by without pain. Pain is like a drug to me I guess, I’m so used to it that when I don’t have any I must find some one way or another. But when I think of it, I feel sick, dirty, like why do I want that kind of lifestyle. I think that maybe there’s something wrong with the wired in my brain and I’m left here, thinking the wrong thing is the right thing.
Maybe that’s the way I’m supposed to feel, since pain played a great part in my life. Perhaps the day I will be painless, will be when I’m dead? Or become immortal of course, that’s on my “to do” list before the end of the world.
I like to write this stuff. I get philosophical some times and the next day I forget what I was thinking of. Maybe by writing this down, I’ll overcome some of my many issues. Some sort of therapy. I mostly think of great stuff when I’m about to go to sleep. Once I wrote what I was thinking in that moment and it was GREAT. Best shit, I ever wrote. But I’m way too lazy to do that every single time. I should like invent a machine that can read and write my mind. That would be super wicked.
Of course, that would be awesome, but at this moment, I’m merely a student in university, and don’t have time for that. University, urgh, what a waste of time! I’m feeling less and less convince by its utility. Also, I’m not even sure I still want to be a teacher. I’ve thought of quitting, for quite a while actually. But it seems to lead nowhere. Everyone thinks I shouldn’t quit and blah blah blah. Like why would you care what I do with my life?
Wow this post was supposed to sums up my week in Truro. Turns out I had a lot on my mind. Well it helps so why not?
Wednesday, March 3.
Last day up here in Truro. Leaving tomorrow morning. Not quite sure what to do. He didn’t go to his course so we slept in this morning. Weirdest fucking dreams. I dreamt that the Disney Store reopened in Moncton and it was wicked huge. Like the size of a Wal-Mart huge. But then I go into the restroom and take a bath. Like WTF? A bath in the store? Like weird. Then I’m not quite sure what happen, it’s all fuzzy. Anyways, I woke up and here I am, writing this. It’s a weird post; it looks like there’s no linear chronology. It’s just I don’t have internet so I can’t post when I’m writing so it’s going to be one hell of a big post. Ok, so I just added date where the post should start so that helps a little.
Urgh, I can’t believe that I haven’t told dad I’m gay. That was like the purpose of my trip. The raison d’être of it. I really don’t want to tell him on msn. But it seems that’s going to be it. I think I can’t bear to see his face when I tell him. Maybe he’ll understand. I know he probably take it hard. I understand. He’s losing the perfect son. I won’t blame him if he doesn’t want to talk for a while, time to process the information. It’s doesn’t bother me, like I said I understand.
We went to Damascus for supper for Maria’s birthday. Then we gathered in Maria’s room for cake, nice crew, they’re all nice and funny, but I didn’t know them so it was a bit awkward. So I’m back in his room. He doesn’t seem to care I’m leaving tomorrow, and I can’t say it doesn’t bother me. I knew he didn’t feel the same way but can’t he at least try? He just kept playing with his ITunes and computer. I just stopped trying since I’m already hurt. I don’t know why I keep putting myself in those situations where I know I’m going to end up hurt. It feels like my heart is ripping apart. I feel like I can’t get over him and move on. I think I keep hoping he’ll change his mind or something. Stupid feelings… I’ll probably spend tomorrow crying or something, like last time. Like I mentioned before, maybe I’m draw to pain. I hope he enjoyed my stay, that he’ll invite me again. But like I said, he doesn’t seem to care. He once said to me that we could be all “cuddly” and “intimate” in private but not in public. It hurts so much I can’t look into his eyes. The first two days were amazing. Everything I’d hope for. But yesterday and today, he keeps telling me that he doesn’t feel well and shit. Like WTF, why are you acting all “love-y” one day then play cruel bitch with me the next. I don’t blame him though, he warned me, but I have a hard time getting around that loop.
We settle down to watch a movie and he didn’t even try to cuddle or anything so I just gave up and tried not to cry.
Thursday, March 4.
So this morning was as painful as yesterday. I woke up and started packing and then he woke up and we talked a bit. He then says goodbye and goes to take a shower and leaves me here. So, I’m like fuck this shit. I called the taxi and got the fuck out of there. My day couldn’t go worst, that’s what I told myself but then, while buying my bus ticket, the clerk tells me that the bus will be around 2 hours late. At this time I’m like FML. So instead of going back to his place I stayed at the bus station and wait. So FINALLY the bus arrives and we get on it. Everything’s going fine until we get in Sackville. BAM while backing up the fucking bus hits a car and we have to stay here for at least an hour. Like can this day go any shittier, with my luck, probably… at least I’ve learned something today: fuck the bus. Next time (there’s probably not going to have a next time) I’ll take the fucking train. So worst fucking march break ever. I was so anxious for it; I couldn’t wait for it to come. And now, I just wish it never happened.
