gone

He wakes up

He hopes

He gets disappointed

He goes to sleep

He wakes up

He hopess

He gets disappointed

He goes to sleep

He wakes up

He hopes

He gets disappointed

He goes to sleep

He wakes up

He tries not to hope

He gets disappointed

He goes to sleep

He wakes up

He stopped hoping

He still gets disappointed

He goes to sleep

He wakes up

He doesn't care anymore

He slashes his wrists

He goes to sleep

He doesn't wake up

He doesn't hope

He doesn't get disappointed

Because he's not here anymore 

.slashes

Well, it's already May. Time goes by so fast when you have nothing to do. So lets recap the last few months. In January, I lost my job and started antidepressants. Sounds like fun no? Well you are wrong. Surprisingly I didn’t do anything stupid… well not right away. February and March were pretty uneventful. Nothing exciting, I finally had my wish: to sit on my ass all day and watch TV. Well turns out, it got boring. Seeing as everyone is working during daytime I got pretty lonely, really lonely. By the end of March dark thoughts came creeping in the back of my mind again. I decided to put myself out there and meet some new people. Which brings me to online dating. I was always skeptical when it came to this, since I don’t like dating in the first place, but I though what the hell. I had to do something I was going crazy. Thanks to my wonderful iPhone I got a few apps that was specifically for gays. Grindr, Hornet, and the popular POF. Overall I’ve talked with over 30-40 different guys. Whore me right? I didn’t sleep with any of them. The first guy I decided to meet was a totally jerk. Attitude problem. We decided to meet at Triangle. I don’t go out often so this was my first time out since Halloween. Well he constantly left me alone, so I decided to ditch him and join my friends that were there. Got drunk as fuck, and puked my guts out for the first time in 9 years. Lets just say Brenda wasn’t too happy. Talked with a few potentials but they all end up nowhere. I was starting to get attached to quickly like always and knew this couldn’t end well. By the end of March I decided to talk to this guy. Let’s call him Hope. He’s cute, handsome, hot, sexy, beautiful, and all the other adjectives that describe beauty. I though “eh, why not?”. I asked him if we could hang out sometime and guess what? He said “If you mean friend wise then sure.” – friend wise… friend wise. Again with the friend thing. Like I don’t have enough friends. Well turns out, I needed a friend like him. He’s amazing. This friendship started on the right foot. We hang out a lot. Then after a couple of weeks I developed feelings for him. I was scared that this could ruin our friendship, but I needed to know what he felt and I think he deserved to know how I felt so I texted him this: “Ok here it goes… I think you’re a really good person and I really like a lot of things about you. I feel really comfortable with you and enjoy talking with you and hanging out. I think I really like you but I understand that nothing more will happen and that’s ok with me. I just feel that you should know.” I was freaking out. I couldn’t believe I sent this. I though shit here goes our friendship. He responded with: “Aww dunno what to say to that apart from we’re good friends and I’d like it to stay that way.” So much feels. We hung out that evening and it was like nothing had been said, everything was the same. I was so relieved that it wasn’t awkward or weird between us. It’s been over a week that I confessed my feeling and everything is fine. Even though I wish he had reciprocated my feelings I’m glad to count him as one of my best friend. We shared a lot, and I opened up about some things that I hadn’t talked about in years. He is good for me.

Now, earlier I wrote that I didn’t do anything stupid right away. One night I drifted and brought my self-harming to the next level. I used my razor and slashed my forearm – 15 blades in total. It just happened. I was feeling lonely, didn’t think, got up and did it. To be honest I don’t regret it. It hurt like a bitch, but at the same time it felt good. I know I shouldn’t be doing this. It’s not healthy physically and emotionally. Anyway, the week after, I broke my wrist while we (me, Hope, and another friend) were out clubbing. So the cast covers my scars. At least I found someone new that brings something different to my life. I still having a hard time coping with the fact that we’re just friends but I don’t want to fuck things up because at least he is part of my life as a good friend. I’d rather this than him going away. Last night, I cut myself again. Three little slashes just above my cast. It felt so good.  I couldn’t stop thinking about Hope and that did the trick. I just hope this doesn’t become a new addiction. We all know I have an addictive personality. That said I think I’ll be fine. Just need to find a new hobby to occupy me and get me out of the house where I think too much. Or get a summer job. Anyway, if things get bad again, I think I’ll go on vacation somewhere to relax.

[burn me]

Just like a fierily ocean your touch burns against my skin.

You bring warmth to my heart even when you’re cold with me.

Your voice is like music to my ears even though you sing for someone else.

When I look into your eyes nothing else matters, the world stop spinning and I’m finally at peace.

Your smile melts my frozen heart, like no one else did before.

*If you ever read this, you know who you are*

[2013-1.3]

Come back in a few months... Post 2013-1.4 will come first.

[experiences]

2013. I decided that this year would be a good one…

2012 has been a hell of a ride. I've gone through some stuff I never thought I would. I did stuff I said I would never do. I've broken promises, hopes, and walls.

It wasn't all bad. I've managed to overcome my pills addiction without any professional help. I went 211 days without taking any painkiller (that includes opioid,codeine, morphine, etc.). But without any addiction I felt lost. I missed the action of taking a pill, not the feeling that came with it. I was great for awhile, and then in August I broke my arm. The pain I felt was like no pain I felt in over 5 years. At that point I didn't have a choice but to take a pill. I still remember the feeling of having to take it. I really didn't want to, I was proud of my 211 days. I might not have been given a chip every month I went without pills but I sure did brag about it. Taking that pill in August was like giving a cold, fresh beer to a recovering alcoholic that had been sober for 7 months. It was hell. My arm did the action of bringing it to my mouth, but the mouth refused to open. I did this 5 times, then I call my mother. She said,"You are in pain. Take it. You need it for the pain, not for the feeling of getting high." After I hung up I took it. I cried. And cried. And cried.

Surprisingly, I did not start to take them again… as much as I did before. Now it's maybe twice a week, which is better than thrice a day. But I still needed something. Something to replace the addiction. That's when I started drinking… It was November.

For two week, I had 1 or 2 glasses of vodka per night. You might say that this is hardly an addiction or even dangerous. Just social drinking. I was alone when I drank. And it was all for the wrong reasons. You see, I believe I have what we call an addicting personality. A few friends helped me. Helped me understand that I didn't need that in my life. I stopped by mid-November. I was finally getting better and thinking happy thoughts. But life always has a surprise for me. HE texted me saying he was coming into town. Now I won't go into details but if you followed my few posts over the years, you know whom I'm talking about. I told him to come at my place (mistake number one), and then begged him to sleepover (mistake number two). He said yes. It goes without saying that we slept together (mistake number three). We then slept in the same bed for the night (mistake number four). Even thought I had wanted this, my bed still felt empty with him in it. I felt that after he got off, he was a completely different man. Cold, rough, detached... I know that he doesn't feel that way toward me but comeon, play the fucking game. After a little friendly chat the next morning he took off. I hug him goodbye (mistake number five). When that door closed, my heart shattered. I felt lost again. It felt like a breakup, it was worst than a breakup. The worst part in all of this was that I knew what I was getting into and what was to follow, but I thought I was stronger; I made myself believe that I was stronger. That's when I did the one thing I never thought I would do (mistake number six)…

December was really the coldest month in my year. Not because of the snow and rain, but because my heart was dead. I did not start drinking again, or exceed my pill intake (sure I took a few more than normally but nothing harmful). I did the one thing I thought would help me feel better. Self-harm. I'm not ashamed of saying it. It wasn't a cry for attention. I did it and that's it. My nails became my best friend, and my hand my enemy. Such an obvious place for the world to see, but I had the greatest explanation. My cats. "Oh, Elliot is always on me then scratches my hand when he jumps off". You see, so easy to believe when you don't know what is going through my mind.

Some of my close friends knew. They did all they could to help me. One I confided into, which I valued her opinions, didn't react as I thought. –quote- "I really don’t think I can handle it- it's my job to do that all week, and those ppl I can send to psych, etc. Get them the help they need. It sounds to me like you're reaching that point, but need me to listen… and I think it would be hard on me to just listen and not see you take steps to getting better. Know what I mean?! It panics me to think about it. So truly, I have to say- I care too much, you need more that just a chat with me. If you're drinking vodka & feel like you're dying/depressed…-You're such a good guy, but I'm scared that you're leaning on me for things I can't provide." –end quote-

Leaning on me for things I can't provide. Leaning on me… I just wanted to talk. I did not wanted to seek medical or professional help. Just for her to listen. That really really bothered me. She brought up the drinking part. I was far from drinking when that conversation happened, but she did not know that.

We've talked a bit since, and I think she was going through some stuff too, and it all came out the wrong way (often happens when you talk by texting). I see that now. But I didn't that day.

Just to be clear, even though I did all of those things, I will never commit suicide. It's not the way I want to go. Not now, not ever. Sure I wanted to die, truly I did. But never to my own hands.

I stopped a few days before the 21st I believe. I don't quite remember.

Christmas break came. I was so happy to be on vacation! Overall it was good! My spirits where up, I was happy (most of the time), and I was surrounded by people that love me- my family. I saw some friends I haven't seen in over 5 years. You know you are meant to be best friends for life when you meet up after all those years and it still feels like it was yesterday that you last saw each other. I have a handful like that and I feel truly bless for this.

Now I see that I had to do all of this -the drinking, the pills, the cutting, the guy. All of it. Without all of this I might not have opened my eyes. Now I see. I take the sign that I'm still alive in 2013 to enjoy life instead of trying to find ways to make me feel pain. Obviously the battle is not won. I might relapse, I might not. But if I do, I know that I can get through it since I've done it once. I know that I can beat it once more. I said mistakes in this post a few time but truly I don't see them as mistake but as experiences, not necessary lessons, because you are supposed to learn from lessons. But experience. Experience shapes who we are, who we become. They make us unique.

As I said, 2013 will be a good year. 

[feel]

I feel like he should be here with me. I feel like i deserve someone. I feel lonely. I feel cheap. I feel used. I feel unimportant. I feel rejected. I feel ugly. I feel sad. I feel dead...

.love

I love that you know me. I love your facial expressions. I love the way you say my name. I love the way you want to tell me things. I love your smile. I love your laugh. I love that we have the same sense of humour. I love the friendly flirting. I love our conversations. I love that you care, even if it's not the kind of care that I want. I love that you are never awkward around me. I love how you smell, and how it liners on my clothes. I love your hugs and how they make me feel warm and safe. I love the way you light up when you laugh. I love how you are such a geek sometimes. I love that I'm your favourite. I love that our hands fit perfectly together. I love that you worry about me. I love how you make me laugh about everything you say. I love how you trust me. I love how we're best friends. I love that I can trust you. I love that I was able to know you. I love you.

[life.goes.on]

It’s been a while since I last wrote. I guess things have been good. My job is going well, health as well. I’m going into week 21 without any pain medication. No more codeine, morphine, or opioid. 142 days. That’s a long time. I can't say it was easy or that I don't miss it. Sometimes things get rough and the numbness that comes with those medications is tempting. But I fight it and get on with my life. I always said that I wasn't addicted to meds, but that was a lie. I was lying to everyone around me and to myself because I truly believed that I wasn't. I wasn't popping pills every 5 minutes but I was still taking them when I didn't necessarily need them. Life goes on. Sometimes I wish it didn't.

I’m starting to feel a great need for a boyfriend.I need a boyfriend. Someone to be with me. I know that sometimes my words sounds harsh. When I say that I would take any guy that would come to me, I mean that if I see things going somewhere I won't say no. I’m not one to date. I hate dating. I hate that time period of "maybe". Why would I waste my time "dating" someone if it's not certain that there's going to be something in the end? I would like to do it the other way around. Let's be boyfriends then we can date. At least I can say that I have a boyfriend and that we are spending some time together. I know my way of thinking is bizarre. But I can't be the only gay guy who thinks like this. Can I? I know how it sounds; I’ve heard it all before. But that's the way I see it. Sue me. I want someone to cuddle, kiss, hug, talk, watch tv, eat, and sleep with. Is it too much to ask? I’m thinking I deserve it no?

Graduation is in less than 2 weeks. I’m happy that I’m graduating, but sad that it wasn't from university. I might go back to finish my degree… one day. I’m dying my hair white. Not blonde, white. Platinum white. Snow white… I think you get the picture. Some say it will be ugly, I say fuck you all. YOLO. If I don't like it I’ll dye it back, and even if I don't who the fuck cares. If you don't like then look away. And if I do like it then you might see it white for a long time. I’m thinking about a new piercing too, right beside the one that's left on my lip.

I'm also working on losing weight. It’s not easy since I LOVE to eat. If I could lose 15 pounds this summer I would be happy.

I went on a boat last week for the first time in my life. Must say that I loved it! Really want to do that again, maybe a daylong ride.

I guess I’ve said enough for now. Until next time. 
Bitches.

[waiting]

As time goes by
I can only remember
Or try to forget
But at the same time I feel regrets

Not a day goes by
Without you crossing my mind
Or the whys and whats
Of the path that was taken

I walk this path alone
Hoping that the day will come
Where you stand waiting for me
And the end of the road

One day it might be
That our minds crosses
And by then maybe
 I will have healed

[great things are happening]

[hit.the.lights]

I know it's been a while since my last. Almost a year. A lot has happened since. First, I'm done school. Second, I am graduating with honors. Third, I just (today) got a dream job... But let's go back in time.

In the past year, I've been through hell and back. I finally got my IV treatment. After waiting for about 2 years for this, I've finally got a appointment mid-January, and everything from there on went well. I haven't taken a pill (for the pain) in 27 days. Which is a big accomplishment for me. I must admit that since I've got that treatment everything seems to go right.

I'm now on my last week of my "On the Job Training" for my MOA course. And everything is going perfectly that I've been offered a job. Which is my dream job. I'm now an Administrative Assistant for two wonderful person.

I can't wait to have my official diploma from college. Honors. That's insane! I've done it. I got scared for a while because one of my course was shit. But I've manage to kick it ass! I can't wait to walk down that aisle with that graduation gown with a big smile on my face.

Now my next goals are to buy a car, pay my debts, and move into a bigger appartement. Also get a new cat, possibly a Siamese or a Bengal cat.

berr

[lucky.winner]

Just won an ipad XD

I'll do a new update soon :)

[hope]

Well, I have to say that this past few weeks were DEPRESSING! I can barely stand the others, let alone myself. I feel like there’s something missing in my life. Lately I have no motivation what so ever. I don't want to go to school; I don't want to get out of bed. I feel like I made a lot of mistake and they keep coming back in my face even if time has passed. I sometime wish I could turn back time to maybe try and fix a couple of things. I guess I don't like the place I am in my life right now... I miss my friends from university and they don't seem to miss me so that makes me feel sad. I'm stressed about the big debt I put myself into by wasting three years and a half at university. Also lately, I feel left out at college as well. I don't seem to connect with my classmates like I used to. I feel like I’m in high school mode all over again. There were dark moments in that time and I thought that I fought all those demons. But it seems that they are tougher to slay.

People say that November and February are two depressing months because of the weather. I couldn’t agree more, except that maybe the weather has nothing to do with it. I barely sleep and when I do, it’s a restless sleep. Vivid dreams fill my mind. I wake up more exhausted than when I went to bed. Pain is also taking over my body. I don’t know why and how it happened but everything hurts. Not an “Oh My God! I’m dying pain”, but still a pain that is there and letting me know that it’s there. I don’t want to act upon it. I don’t want to take medication for relieve because I know that I can get overwhelm with strong medicine. I know that I can stop if I go to far, but I don’t want to have to stop. I don’t want to deal with what I already dealt with. I feel a bit better writing these lines, knowing that someone that might understand what I’m going through might read it and feel better too. I know what you must think, that I have unresolved issues and you couldn’t be more right. I wouldn’t be “normal” if I didn’t have some. It may seem that they are “big” or “dangerous” issues, but I assure you that I am no danger to myself. I still have a powerful self-control. I just have a lot of frustration and it never been properly been taken care of. Maybe that is what the big thing is. Maybe this is what I should be talking about. My frustration.

I wouldn’t know where to start. I can’t complain about my upbringing. I had the most wonderful childhood a child could ask for. My parents never mistreated me. I don’t believe that I know two parents who could love their children more than mine. They did everything right, and they had it difficult since I was a difficult child (physically handicapped). But being handicap could be the starting point of my frustration. I mean, what child can be fully positive when having to live with a disability. It’s difficult, but also inspiring. Having been what I been trough and still be the wonderful person I am today, I can say that my parents did a magnificent job raising me. But always having to be different than the others can be tiresome at some times.

I don’t know, maybe it’s just me making minds out of nothing. I can be very imaginative. I often create my misfortunes; maybe I’m a sucker for pain, attention, or just idiot. We all have a life filled with experiences. No one have the same ones. That what make human kind so interesting. We always have something to say. It means that we live; that we go trough rough paths, but also wonderful ones that we can think back to when we are feeling like I’m feeling tonight. I know that that’s what keeping me sane. Those moments of pure joy and fun are putting a smile on my face, and keeping me from not giving up.

PS: On an unrelated note, Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Pt1 was simply amazing. My favourite by far. Also the soundtrack is mind-blowing and inspiring. Listening to it makes me smile and enjoy the day.

[christmas]

december is finally here, meaning christmas is near and also the end of the semester. i simply cannot wait !

[trust]

We look at eachother
And think that we know
Know who the person is or was
But what if they weren't

We trust without questions
And give without thinking
As long as we receive it too
We wont bother to find the truth

Some are living a lie
Some are living a life
But we are often
Living a life of lies

If we stop for a minute
And listen to the empty silence
We will finaly see the truth
That lives in those empty lies

And it is in that moment
That we will be able
To live, to breath
Freely...

[choices]

I’ve been thinking very deeply about what to write in this post. I wish to express myself with the crudest way possible. But it may seem that some people that read this would feel hurt. Over the past couple of months, school has been very boring compared to university. No projects, almost no homework (since I do them in class), the teacher are very easy-going and the stress level is way lower. You say, why am I complaining? You are right. Why am I complaining? The thing is I miss the challenge that university brought into my life. I guess I need to get away from that lifestyle and rethink the way I see stuff. I know it’s been a while since I last posted here. I had started with another post but that got scraped off the chart because it was babble and nonsense. There was no point into posting it. I’ve been travelling quite a bit lately: Caraquet each month, Campbellton, Edmundston and Halifax next weekend. I’m currently on my way to Edmundston for the rest of the week, with a quick stop in Campbellton. It a road trip with my cousin. I expect this to be a wicked and epic weekend. Then on Saturday, we will leave for Caraquet, where I’ll be till Monday. Then next weekend I’m going to Halifax with one of my best friend. We are going to see Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1: The IMAX Experience. I always told myself that I would see the last Harry Potter movie at IMAX (this is part one of the last movie). We reserved a hotel room and I cannot wait for it. This will be awesome. So November will be a busy month for me. Then comes December… Christmas shopping, festivities, family gatherings, etc. will fill my month.

I started thinking about the future again… and the same thing pops up: nothing. I literally can’t see into my future. I think about the job I’ll have, the place I’ll live, etc. but it’s blank, an empty dark hole. I know it seem depressing, but I actually feel calm about it. Sure, it’s discouraging, but it’s not like it’s something new. It always has been like that. I guess I just don’t want to grow up; maybe Peter Pan is my alter ego. I’ve been talking a lot about death with my friend lately, about my death. It doesn’t bother at all if I die. I’m not afraid. Sure, I didn’t experience every life’s gifts and all, but it would not bother me. I’m not at all suicidal in case you are wondering - not at all. It’s just that if death would present itself, I’d greet it with open arms. A great man once said: “After all, to the well-organized mind, death is but the next great adventure,” and he’s right. No one knows what is next, and that is why so many people are afraid of death, they don’t know what to expect, they are afraid of the unknown. I know it seem like I think too much about this and it could be unhealthy for me, but what can I say. It’s the way I am.

I also recently got some awesome news, you remember this summer when I went in Montréal and that I was ecstatic that I would have to go another five years to the hospital? Well, I just got a memo that they don’t cover the transportation fees, or hotel fees, that I have to pay everything. Well, that is not going to happen since I’m not made of money and going to Montréal for three days is quite expensive. Well, now I won’t be followed by a doctor there and I told them that if they weren’t the ones I’d quit. Well, I quit. This was a slap in the face. And because they gave me false hope last time I went there (I expletively ask if they would cover the cost and the y said yes) I didn’t had the chance to make respectful goodbyes to the people that are precious to me. [To the readers – to go saying that it should be my responsibility to paid or wronged me in any other way, don’t even bother commenting.] So that emotional breakdown that I avoid last summer will catch up with me soon enough. I cannot believe that they would make me think that I would go back, I know it probably wasn’t they’re intentions but it doesn’t change the fact that I left them there, without proper goodbyes after 16 years of frequenting them. I got the news this morning and it took all my willpower not to break down at college. I’m now expecting a call from a woman there, but what is the point? The lady told me she was going to call me to explain stuff. I know that I can’t pay to go there, so there is no point in explaining anything about the research. I’ve read the documents, I know what it consists in, but I’m sorry to decline the “offer”. I was beyond disappointed and sadden by this. So now, I wait. I wait for that breakdown to happen… to let it out of my system. I know it will happen… maybe sooner than later. I hope that the amount of alcohol that I will drink this weekend will let me forget this for while, so that I can enjoy myself, and not let the rage escape me. Oh yeah, I’m still working on anger management. I’m doing well so far. No more hitting walls, just bursting into tears once in a while. I guess that’s the best therapy for me. I also have been avoiding the painkillers for a while, quite proud of myself. I have a big self-control over addictions. I say that I don’t believe in them, but what I mean is that I don’t believe in them for ME. Not for the others - for me. I know that I can control myself and that I have the power to do so.

---[THIS JUST IN – an awful bitch - yes she deserve that title – just added me on Facebook. After all the shit she caused to someone VERY important to me she has the guts to add me on Facebook. I can’t wait to send her a lovely email telling to fuck off and die. She deserves that after what she did. I simply cannot believe I just got a request from her. She’s delusional if she thinks that I’ll actually add her. Like WTF!]---

On a last note, the past few months weren’t exciting, or challenging. I got a few bad news, a few good ones. Life goes on, and we just need to follow or we’ll get lost in it. Life has a funny way of putting different paths in our way - some that we never expected and others that we had a feeling that they would show up. Choices. That’s what it’s all about. The choice we make will decide where we’ll end up. And we always have a choice. No matter the situation.

[unknown]

After all, to the well-organized mind, death is but the next great adventure.

-a. dumbledore RIP

[Mistakes]

Well, there it is. I finally quit university and I’m in college. This was a big change I was anticipating for a while. Never would I have imagined myself studying in an English environment. Never. I’m so Pro-French. Not only did I surprise myself but everyone around me as well. I think I made the best decision… for the time being. But to be honest this course is a real joke. The courses are way too easy for me and they do not challenge my intellect; what an insult. After spending three years at a university, I find this environment boring. My computer classes basically consist of an intro to Windows 7 and the Office Suite 2007. I could have invented those programs, why am I taking an intro to them? They only classes that might give me trouble in the future are math and accounting, which I look forward to because I need something to do. But oh god, do I hate that keyboarding class. This will certainly not help my anger issues.

As the week go by, I start questioning my choice of courses. They really aren’t what I expected. I don’t know if it’s because I went to university for three years causing some expectations or just that I’m that talented. I feel like I’m wasting time, not that the career isn’t what I want but more the classes that I’m taking. It frustrates me that I have to go thought this. I know all this stuff; I should get exempted from some of my classes. I actually miss university, the ambience, the people, even the damn classes. I feel like the intellectual level isn’t the same. I don’t say that college is not as good as university, just not the same knowledge. Maybe I just miss the French environment more than anything and this demoralise everything else.

Also, I’ve been jobless for about a month and I really miss my job! More than I thought I would. You never really appreciate what you have until you lose it. I miss the people I worked with and the job itself. I went there yesterday for a meeting and that’s when it hit me. I don’t belong here anymore. It’s not MY place anymore. I should have reconsidered going there last night. It wasn’t such a great idea. Also I felt like the people didn’t really care about me. They showed interest in what I was doing and such, but I didn’t feel it at all. But I still miss them. I want it back so bad. I guess I have to move on, once again.

On another note, I’ve been thinking about some things that been bothering me since last year, a few leftovers that I should get rid of but mind cleansing isn’t easy. Those thoughts just keep coming back; like a boomerang. I just need to forget. I’m still hurting from those few that you already know about. I’ve made a mistake thinking that I would be ok. There’s something missing from my life; a puzzle piece that should have been there. Ok, I know that everyone’s missing something or someone, but it seems that lately that’s the only thing I can think about, the “what if’s”. Did I do the right decisions? The right mistakes? Maybe not. I may not have said the right things when the moments were right… or the bad things when the moments were wrong. Thinking back, I never listen to anyone but me. I should have. A few close friends gave me great advice that I didn’t take. I was wrong quite a few times in the past year. Maybe more than a few. I need to accept that I can’t always have what I want. I FINALLY acknowledge that I have anger management issues that I need to work on. I’ve been frustrated with pretty much everything that surrounds me. I had a hard life, I’m entitle to a few frustration, no? Life was never easy for me but I kept a smile on my face and thought positive thoughts, but beneath the surface I was still angry. Questions like “why me?” and “what did I deserve to be this way?” were always in my mind and are still there (side note; this is referring to my disability and not the fact that I’m gay (which I’ve fully embraced)). These are the unanswered questions without answer and I have to accept it. I have, but we all have doubts and these are mine. It’s like a gifted curse. Seeing the world from a different eye is something that others can’t have (although they have a different view than mine), but it has its consequences.

That’s all my rambling for now. Thanks for reading my constant whining J

[family]

WEDNESDAY, JUNE 30^TH

Well, I’m finally on vacation. FINALLY!!! I’m in a camper in Rivière du Loup, Québec for the rest of the week, with obviously no Internet connection. So by the time I post this the week will be done and I’ll be back in New Brunswick, to my so-called life. But in the meanwhile, I’m on VACATION, with my beloved family from my mother’s side. I haven’t seen them in forever, probably over 10 years. It’s definitely been a while. Unfortunately, my mother is not here with me, neither my sister. Work is keeping them away. Oh well, I’ll enjoy my time no matter what. I’m surrounded with people I love and I’m assured to have a blast in the next few days.

The ride here was uneventful, but nonetheless fun. Of course, it’s always fun with France. We laugh like crazy people, sang at the top of our lungs, and made funny faces to others car passing by. Now, after spending over 6 hours in the car, I’m exhausted. Can’t wait to put my head on that pillow and dream away. Well that’s it for today. I’m not sure if I’ll be able to post what I wrote each day, but I’ll try.

THUSDAY, JULY 1^ST

First full day in Rivière du Loup went great. Got to see a lot of family that I didn’t see in ages and got to meet a few new ones that weren’t there 10 years ago. Technically they’re not “new” family, but to me they’re new. First thing this morning, coffee on the patio, gossiping and relaxing in the so-so sun. Of course, it rained all day. Drizzles in the morning and afternoon, but full out showers of rain in the evening. We took walks, eat BBQ, played with the kids, I even took a nap this afternoon, while some of them went on a bicycle run. Nothing really exciting happened. Josée, Christian and the family arrived from Chicago this evening. Piper grew a lot since I was down there. She’s such a cutie pie. We can now have full conversations. Ha ha ha! She’s a little chatterbox and Beckett’s only 7 weeks old, a new addition to the family. I’m not sure what’s happening tomorrow. I’d like to go shopping a bit, but I’m not getting my hopes up on that. I absolutely need to go to a corner store to get something to drink, because that god-awful tap water is driving me insane. Also, I need my booze, my lovely alcohol.

SATURDAY, JULY 3^RD

So I’ve been sober for the past few days. There’s no worthy alcohol here in Rivière du Loup. What’s up with that! Ah well, I feel hungover no matter what. Today is the big day : The family reunion, the 80’s party. Everyone is going around running, stressing, when clearly everything is going to be ok. The weather yesterday was amazing. Sunshine all day, not a drop of rain, today however, the cold wind has joined the party and I think I might have caught a cold… or something like that. Yesterday was fun, all day we talked and caught up with the good old family members. I went to the Rivière du Loup shopping mall with josée and Gisèle, then France joined us and we went to do a little bit of groceries. We ate supper then everyone started to gather around the fire and started singing no so much camper songs. Surprisingly there were a lot of people, which was fun. I’m surprised that I was able to enjoy myself without a drop of alcohol in my dreadful body. It may seem that I drink a lot of alcohol, but I don’t. I just enjoy talking a few drinks once in a while. It’s kind of a way to open myself, but yesterday it seems like I didn’t need it. I was super confortable with everyone.

I was looking forward to swim this afternoon, but if that wind persists the odds that you see my jump in that pool are slim. The sky seems to clear up, but that damn wind is still here, blowing everything everywhere. Another flow of family members is supposed to arrive today. The party starts at 2 pm, so they should arrive around that time. Everyone at the camping site is gone either to help organising the party or preparing their costume, or just taking care of their little life. I wish I could take the summer of like them and just come here and relax. All summer long. I guess maybe in 50 years or so I’ll that my retirement and then I’ll be able to “live the life”. I just realize that it’s been awhile since I wrote a poem on this blog. Perhaps there’s no more need to pen my thoughts that way. They all seem depressing, but it was a good way to cope with whatever pain I was in.

I’m going insane, my Facebook account is “temporary disconnected” because the network my phone is roaming on cause a alarm. Facebook thought someone was hacking my account. They only way to reactivated it is to go online on a computer and answer a bunch of security questions. With no internet connection that’s kind of hard to achieve. Oh yesterday I got an email telling me that I won a Kindle! I won a goddamn Kindle. That was something I was not expecting at all. I can’t wait to get it now. I always wanted to try one but I wasn’t ready to put my money in that kind of thing. Well now I won’t have to. The only downside of this is that I love reading a physical book. If I buy a book on the kindle store, that doesn’t give me access to the book itself but an electronic copy of it. The publishing and books world should start giving an electronic copy of a book when you buy the actual physical copy of it. A bit like when you buy a DVD you get a digital copy of the film. This way I could enjoy my book both ways, physically and electronically. Maybe one day it would come to this. The first book I’m planning on buying, if I get the Kindle anytime soon, would be Twilight (probably the entire saga) – and Harry Potter. Books I know I’ll read over and over. Of course, I already have them at home, but when I go on vacation, I’d like a good book that I know I’ll enjoy with me without having the brick that the book is. I also won two books from Sean Cumming. I should go on vacation more often, I keep winning stuff.

So tonight is the big party. We’re all going to be wearing 80’s apparel. This will definitely be funny. I think everyone will be participing, which is great. There’ll be music, food, dancing, games, kids, family, friends anything a party needs to be a blast.

SUNDAY JULY 4^TH

What a night last night was. I have the best family there is! At first, in the afternoon, it was a bit awkward. Especially when we arrived, we weren’t sure where to go, well I wasn’t sure. I was the only one from my immediate family there and everyone was asking questions about where was my mom. It bothered me because I know she didn’t have a good reason not to come. It saddened me because some of them won’t be there at the next reunion in two years. Anyways, we all arrived at Lisette and music, games, pool, and chitchatting was already ongoing. I’ve talked with about everyone there were to talk. Reconnect with old forgotten.

It was weird being part of the “adults” world and seeing all the kids play together. I remember not so long ago I was at their place. It’s a bit sad because you see the difference between having fun and having to be careful, be responsible, etc. Sometimes I wish I could go back, and enjoy this non-stress environment. I guess we eventually have to grow up and face those changes. It’s too bad Peter Pan isn’t here to help.

We eventually ate and then headed to the dance room. It was a nicely decorated little room. Some of us were disguised in 80’s persona. One thing that I absolutely hated about the night was the DJ. It’s maybe not his fault but I really didn’t like the music choice and the DJ job. He was doing it for free so I guess that’s ok. At the end, I was tired, cranky and in pain, so I just wanted to go to bed and sleep.

Today we’re leaving. It’s the end of my vacation; I really don’t want to go back to work. So we packed the car, roamed around. Having said my goodbyes, France and I hit the road. A long drive was ahead of us. Over 6 hours in a car was going to drive me crazy and it did. It was painfully long, nothing like Wednesday’s trip. It was hot, boring, and I was awfully tired.