[hope]

Well, I have to say that this past few weeks were DEPRESSING! I can barely stand the others, let alone myself. I feel like there’s something missing in my life. Lately I have no motivation what so ever. I don't want to go to school; I don't want to get out of bed. I feel like I made a lot of mistake and they keep coming back in my face even if time has passed. I sometime wish I could turn back time to maybe try and fix a couple of things. I guess I don't like the place I am in my life right now... I miss my friends from university and they don't seem to miss me so that makes me feel sad. I'm stressed about the big debt I put myself into by wasting three years and a half at university. Also lately, I feel left out at college as well. I don't seem to connect with my classmates like I used to. I feel like I’m in high school mode all over again. There were dark moments in that time and I thought that I fought all those demons. But it seems that they are tougher to slay.

People say that November and February are two depressing months because of the weather. I couldn’t agree more, except that maybe the weather has nothing to do with it. I barely sleep and when I do, it’s a restless sleep. Vivid dreams fill my mind. I wake up more exhausted than when I went to bed. Pain is also taking over my body. I don’t know why and how it happened but everything hurts. Not an “Oh My God! I’m dying pain”, but still a pain that is there and letting me know that it’s there. I don’t want to act upon it. I don’t want to take medication for relieve because I know that I can get overwhelm with strong medicine. I know that I can stop if I go to far, but I don’t want to have to stop. I don’t want to deal with what I already dealt with. I feel a bit better writing these lines, knowing that someone that might understand what I’m going through might read it and feel better too. I know what you must think, that I have unresolved issues and you couldn’t be more right. I wouldn’t be “normal” if I didn’t have some. It may seem that they are “big” or “dangerous” issues, but I assure you that I am no danger to myself. I still have a powerful self-control. I just have a lot of frustration and it never been properly been taken care of. Maybe that is what the big thing is. Maybe this is what I should be talking about. My frustration.

I wouldn’t know where to start. I can’t complain about my upbringing. I had the most wonderful childhood a child could ask for. My parents never mistreated me. I don’t believe that I know two parents who could love their children more than mine. They did everything right, and they had it difficult since I was a difficult child (physically handicapped). But being handicap could be the starting point of my frustration. I mean, what child can be fully positive when having to live with a disability. It’s difficult, but also inspiring. Having been what I been trough and still be the wonderful person I am today, I can say that my parents did a magnificent job raising me. But always having to be different than the others can be tiresome at some times.

I don’t know, maybe it’s just me making minds out of nothing. I can be very imaginative. I often create my misfortunes; maybe I’m a sucker for pain, attention, or just idiot. We all have a life filled with experiences. No one have the same ones. That what make human kind so interesting. We always have something to say. It means that we live; that we go trough rough paths, but also wonderful ones that we can think back to when we are feeling like I’m feeling tonight. I know that that’s what keeping me sane. Those moments of pure joy and fun are putting a smile on my face, and keeping me from not giving up.

PS: On an unrelated note, Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Pt1 was simply amazing. My favourite by far. Also the soundtrack is mind-blowing and inspiring. Listening to it makes me smile and enjoy the day.