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Well, it's already May. Time goes by so fast when you have nothing to do. So lets recap the last few months. In January, I lost my job and started antidepressants. Sounds like fun no? Well you are wrong. Surprisingly I didn’t do anything stupid… well not right away. February and March were pretty uneventful. Nothing exciting, I finally had my wish: to sit on my ass all day and watch TV. Well turns out, it got boring. Seeing as everyone is working during daytime I got pretty lonely, really lonely. By the end of March dark thoughts came creeping in the back of my mind again. I decided to put myself out there and meet some new people. Which brings me to online dating. I was always skeptical when it came to this, since I don’t like dating in the first place, but I though what the hell. I had to do something I was going crazy. Thanks to my wonderful iPhone I got a few apps that was specifically for gays. Grindr, Hornet, and the popular POF. Overall I’ve talked with over 30-40 different guys. Whore me right? I didn’t sleep with any of them. The first guy I decided to meet was a totally jerk. Attitude problem. We decided to meet at Triangle. I don’t go out often so this was my first time out since Halloween. Well he constantly left me alone, so I decided to ditch him and join my friends that were there. Got drunk as fuck, and puked my guts out for the first time in 9 years. Lets just say Brenda wasn’t too happy. Talked with a few potentials but they all end up nowhere. I was starting to get attached to quickly like always and knew this couldn’t end well. By the end of March I decided to talk to this guy. Let’s call him Hope. He’s cute, handsome, hot, sexy, beautiful, and all the other adjectives that describe beauty. I though “eh, why not?”. I asked him if we could hang out sometime and guess what? He said “If you mean friend wise then sure.” – friend wise… friend wise. Again with the friend thing. Like I don’t have enough friends. Well turns out, I needed a friend like him. He’s amazing. This friendship started on the right foot. We hang out a lot. Then after a couple of weeks I developed feelings for him. I was scared that this could ruin our friendship, but I needed to know what he felt and I think he deserved to know how I felt so I texted him this: “Ok here it goes… I think you’re a really good person and I really like a lot of things about you. I feel really comfortable with you and enjoy talking with you and hanging out. I think I really like you but I understand that nothing more will happen and that’s ok with me. I just feel that you should know.” I was freaking out. I couldn’t believe I sent this. I though shit here goes our friendship. He responded with: “Aww dunno what to say to that apart from we’re good friends and I’d like it to stay that way.” So much feels. We hung out that evening and it was like nothing had been said, everything was the same. I was so relieved that it wasn’t awkward or weird between us. It’s been over a week that I confessed my feeling and everything is fine. Even though I wish he had reciprocated my feelings I’m glad to count him as one of my best friend. We shared a lot, and I opened up about some things that I hadn’t talked about in years. He is good for me.

Now, earlier I wrote that I didn’t do anything stupid right away. One night I drifted and brought my self-harming to the next level. I used my razor and slashed my forearm – 15 blades in total. It just happened. I was feeling lonely, didn’t think, got up and did it. To be honest I don’t regret it. It hurt like a bitch, but at the same time it felt good. I know I shouldn’t be doing this. It’s not healthy physically and emotionally. Anyway, the week after, I broke my wrist while we (me, Hope, and another friend) were out clubbing. So the cast covers my scars. At least I found someone new that brings something different to my life. I still having a hard time coping with the fact that we’re just friends but I don’t want to fuck things up because at least he is part of my life as a good friend. I’d rather this than him going away. Last night, I cut myself again. Three little slashes just above my cast. It felt so good.  I couldn’t stop thinking about Hope and that did the trick. I just hope this doesn’t become a new addiction. We all know I have an addictive personality. That said I think I’ll be fine. Just need to find a new hobby to occupy me and get me out of the house where I think too much. Or get a summer job. Anyway, if things get bad again, I think I’ll go on vacation somewhere to relax.