[Mistakes]

Well, there it is. I finally quit university and I’m in college. This was a big change I was anticipating for a while. Never would I have imagined myself studying in an English environment. Never. I’m so Pro-French. Not only did I surprise myself but everyone around me as well. I think I made the best decision… for the time being. But to be honest this course is a real joke. The courses are way too easy for me and they do not challenge my intellect; what an insult. After spending three years at a university, I find this environment boring. My computer classes basically consist of an intro to Windows 7 and the Office Suite 2007. I could have invented those programs, why am I taking an intro to them? They only classes that might give me trouble in the future are math and accounting, which I look forward to because I need something to do. But oh god, do I hate that keyboarding class. This will certainly not help my anger issues.

As the week go by, I start questioning my choice of courses. They really aren’t what I expected. I don’t know if it’s because I went to university for three years causing some expectations or just that I’m that talented. I feel like I’m wasting time, not that the career isn’t what I want but more the classes that I’m taking. It frustrates me that I have to go thought this. I know all this stuff; I should get exempted from some of my classes. I actually miss university, the ambience, the people, even the damn classes. I feel like the intellectual level isn’t the same. I don’t say that college is not as good as university, just not the same knowledge. Maybe I just miss the French environment more than anything and this demoralise everything else.

Also, I’ve been jobless for about a month and I really miss my job! More than I thought I would. You never really appreciate what you have until you lose it. I miss the people I worked with and the job itself. I went there yesterday for a meeting and that’s when it hit me. I don’t belong here anymore. It’s not MY place anymore. I should have reconsidered going there last night. It wasn’t such a great idea. Also I felt like the people didn’t really care about me. They showed interest in what I was doing and such, but I didn’t feel it at all. But I still miss them. I want it back so bad. I guess I have to move on, once again.

On another note, I’ve been thinking about some things that been bothering me since last year, a few leftovers that I should get rid of but mind cleansing isn’t easy. Those thoughts just keep coming back; like a boomerang. I just need to forget. I’m still hurting from those few that you already know about. I’ve made a mistake thinking that I would be ok. There’s something missing from my life; a puzzle piece that should have been there. Ok, I know that everyone’s missing something or someone, but it seems that lately that’s the only thing I can think about, the “what if’s”. Did I do the right decisions? The right mistakes? Maybe not. I may not have said the right things when the moments were right… or the bad things when the moments were wrong. Thinking back, I never listen to anyone but me. I should have. A few close friends gave me great advice that I didn’t take. I was wrong quite a few times in the past year. Maybe more than a few. I need to accept that I can’t always have what I want. I FINALLY acknowledge that I have anger management issues that I need to work on. I’ve been frustrated with pretty much everything that surrounds me. I had a hard life, I’m entitle to a few frustration, no? Life was never easy for me but I kept a smile on my face and thought positive thoughts, but beneath the surface I was still angry. Questions like “why me?” and “what did I deserve to be this way?” were always in my mind and are still there (side note; this is referring to my disability and not the fact that I’m gay (which I’ve fully embraced)). These are the unanswered questions without answer and I have to accept it. I have, but we all have doubts and these are mine. It’s like a gifted curse. Seeing the world from a different eye is something that others can’t have (although they have a different view than mine), but it has its consequences.

That’s all my rambling for now. Thanks for reading my constant whining J