[trust]

We look at eachother
And think that we know
Know who the person is or was
But what if they weren't

We trust without questions
And give without thinking
As long as we receive it too
We wont bother to find the truth

Some are living a lie
Some are living a life
But we are often
Living a life of lies

If we stop for a minute
And listen to the empty silence
We will finaly see the truth
That lives in those empty lies

And it is in that moment
That we will be able
To live, to breath
Freely...

[choices]

I’ve been thinking very deeply about what to write in this post. I wish to express myself with the crudest way possible. But it may seem that some people that read this would feel hurt. Over the past couple of months, school has been very boring compared to university. No projects, almost no homework (since I do them in class), the teacher are very easy-going and the stress level is way lower. You say, why am I complaining? You are right. Why am I complaining? The thing is I miss the challenge that university brought into my life. I guess I need to get away from that lifestyle and rethink the way I see stuff. I know it’s been a while since I last posted here. I had started with another post but that got scraped off the chart because it was babble and nonsense. There was no point into posting it. I’ve been travelling quite a bit lately: Caraquet each month, Campbellton, Edmundston and Halifax next weekend. I’m currently on my way to Edmundston for the rest of the week, with a quick stop in Campbellton. It a road trip with my cousin. I expect this to be a wicked and epic weekend. Then on Saturday, we will leave for Caraquet, where I’ll be till Monday. Then next weekend I’m going to Halifax with one of my best friend. We are going to see Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1: The IMAX Experience. I always told myself that I would see the last Harry Potter movie at IMAX (this is part one of the last movie). We reserved a hotel room and I cannot wait for it. This will be awesome. So November will be a busy month for me. Then comes December… Christmas shopping, festivities, family gatherings, etc. will fill my month.

I started thinking about the future again… and the same thing pops up: nothing. I literally can’t see into my future. I think about the job I’ll have, the place I’ll live, etc. but it’s blank, an empty dark hole. I know it seem depressing, but I actually feel calm about it. Sure, it’s discouraging, but it’s not like it’s something new. It always has been like that. I guess I just don’t want to grow up; maybe Peter Pan is my alter ego. I’ve been talking a lot about death with my friend lately, about my death. It doesn’t bother at all if I die. I’m not afraid. Sure, I didn’t experience every life’s gifts and all, but it would not bother me. I’m not at all suicidal in case you are wondering - not at all. It’s just that if death would present itself, I’d greet it with open arms. A great man once said: “After all, to the well-organized mind, death is but the next great adventure,” and he’s right. No one knows what is next, and that is why so many people are afraid of death, they don’t know what to expect, they are afraid of the unknown. I know it seem like I think too much about this and it could be unhealthy for me, but what can I say. It’s the way I am.

I also recently got some awesome news, you remember this summer when I went in Montréal and that I was ecstatic that I would have to go another five years to the hospital? Well, I just got a memo that they don’t cover the transportation fees, or hotel fees, that I have to pay everything. Well, that is not going to happen since I’m not made of money and going to Montréal for three days is quite expensive. Well, now I won’t be followed by a doctor there and I told them that if they weren’t the ones I’d quit. Well, I quit. This was a slap in the face. And because they gave me false hope last time I went there (I expletively ask if they would cover the cost and the y said yes) I didn’t had the chance to make respectful goodbyes to the people that are precious to me. [To the readers – to go saying that it should be my responsibility to paid or wronged me in any other way, don’t even bother commenting.] So that emotional breakdown that I avoid last summer will catch up with me soon enough. I cannot believe that they would make me think that I would go back, I know it probably wasn’t they’re intentions but it doesn’t change the fact that I left them there, without proper goodbyes after 16 years of frequenting them. I got the news this morning and it took all my willpower not to break down at college. I’m now expecting a call from a woman there, but what is the point? The lady told me she was going to call me to explain stuff. I know that I can’t pay to go there, so there is no point in explaining anything about the research. I’ve read the documents, I know what it consists in, but I’m sorry to decline the “offer”. I was beyond disappointed and sadden by this. So now, I wait. I wait for that breakdown to happen… to let it out of my system. I know it will happen… maybe sooner than later. I hope that the amount of alcohol that I will drink this weekend will let me forget this for while, so that I can enjoy myself, and not let the rage escape me. Oh yeah, I’m still working on anger management. I’m doing well so far. No more hitting walls, just bursting into tears once in a while. I guess that’s the best therapy for me. I also have been avoiding the painkillers for a while, quite proud of myself. I have a big self-control over addictions. I say that I don’t believe in them, but what I mean is that I don’t believe in them for ME. Not for the others - for me. I know that I can control myself and that I have the power to do so.

---[THIS JUST IN – an awful bitch - yes she deserve that title – just added me on Facebook. After all the shit she caused to someone VERY important to me she has the guts to add me on Facebook. I can’t wait to send her a lovely email telling to fuck off and die. She deserves that after what she did. I simply cannot believe I just got a request from her. She’s delusional if she thinks that I’ll actually add her. Like WTF!]---

On a last note, the past few months weren’t exciting, or challenging. I got a few bad news, a few good ones. Life goes on, and we just need to follow or we’ll get lost in it. Life has a funny way of putting different paths in our way - some that we never expected and others that we had a feeling that they would show up. Choices. That’s what it’s all about. The choice we make will decide where we’ll end up. And we always have a choice. No matter the situation.