[feel]

I feel like he should be here with me. I feel like i deserve someone. I feel lonely. I feel cheap. I feel used. I feel unimportant. I feel rejected. I feel ugly. I feel sad. I feel dead...

.love

I love that you know me. I love your facial expressions. I love the way you say my name. I love the way you want to tell me things. I love your smile. I love your laugh. I love that we have the same sense of humour. I love the friendly flirting. I love our conversations. I love that you care, even if it's not the kind of care that I want. I love that you are never awkward around me. I love how you smell, and how it liners on my clothes. I love your hugs and how they make me feel warm and safe. I love the way you light up when you laugh. I love how you are such a geek sometimes. I love that I'm your favourite. I love that our hands fit perfectly together. I love that you worry about me. I love how you make me laugh about everything you say. I love how you trust me. I love how we're best friends. I love that I can trust you. I love that I was able to know you. I love you.

[life.goes.on]

It’s been a while since I last wrote. I guess things have been good. My job is going well, health as well. I’m going into week 21 without any pain medication. No more codeine, morphine, or opioid. 142 days. That’s a long time. I can't say it was easy or that I don't miss it. Sometimes things get rough and the numbness that comes with those medications is tempting. But I fight it and get on with my life. I always said that I wasn't addicted to meds, but that was a lie. I was lying to everyone around me and to myself because I truly believed that I wasn't. I wasn't popping pills every 5 minutes but I was still taking them when I didn't necessarily need them. Life goes on. Sometimes I wish it didn't.

I’m starting to feel a great need for a boyfriend.I need a boyfriend. Someone to be with me. I know that sometimes my words sounds harsh. When I say that I would take any guy that would come to me, I mean that if I see things going somewhere I won't say no. I’m not one to date. I hate dating. I hate that time period of "maybe". Why would I waste my time "dating" someone if it's not certain that there's going to be something in the end? I would like to do it the other way around. Let's be boyfriends then we can date. At least I can say that I have a boyfriend and that we are spending some time together. I know my way of thinking is bizarre. But I can't be the only gay guy who thinks like this. Can I? I know how it sounds; I’ve heard it all before. But that's the way I see it. Sue me. I want someone to cuddle, kiss, hug, talk, watch tv, eat, and sleep with. Is it too much to ask? I’m thinking I deserve it no?

Graduation is in less than 2 weeks. I’m happy that I’m graduating, but sad that it wasn't from university. I might go back to finish my degree… one day. I’m dying my hair white. Not blonde, white. Platinum white. Snow white… I think you get the picture. Some say it will be ugly, I say fuck you all. YOLO. If I don't like it I’ll dye it back, and even if I don't who the fuck cares. If you don't like then look away. And if I do like it then you might see it white for a long time. I’m thinking about a new piercing too, right beside the one that's left on my lip.

I'm also working on losing weight. It’s not easy since I LOVE to eat. If I could lose 15 pounds this summer I would be happy.

I went on a boat last week for the first time in my life. Must say that I loved it! Really want to do that again, maybe a daylong ride.

I guess I’ve said enough for now. Until next time. 
Bitches.

[waiting]

As time goes by
I can only remember
Or try to forget
But at the same time I feel regrets

Not a day goes by
Without you crossing my mind
Or the whys and whats
Of the path that was taken

I walk this path alone
Hoping that the day will come
Where you stand waiting for me
And the end of the road

One day it might be
That our minds crosses
And by then maybe
 I will have healed

[great things are happening]

[hit.the.lights]

I know it's been a while since my last. Almost a year. A lot has happened since. First, I'm done school. Second, I am graduating with honors. Third, I just (today) got a dream job... But let's go back in time.

In the past year, I've been through hell and back. I finally got my IV treatment. After waiting for about 2 years for this, I've finally got a appointment mid-January, and everything from there on went well. I haven't taken a pill (for the pain) in 27 days. Which is a big accomplishment for me. I must admit that since I've got that treatment everything seems to go right.

I'm now on my last week of my "On the Job Training" for my MOA course. And everything is going perfectly that I've been offered a job. Which is my dream job. I'm now an Administrative Assistant for two wonderful person.

I can't wait to have my official diploma from college. Honors. That's insane! I've done it. I got scared for a while because one of my course was shit. But I've manage to kick it ass! I can't wait to walk down that aisle with that graduation gown with a big smile on my face.

Now my next goals are to buy a car, pay my debts, and move into a bigger appartement. Also get a new cat, possibly a Siamese or a Bengal cat.

berr