2013. I decided that this year would be a good one…
2012 has been a hell of a ride. I've gone through some stuff I never thought I would. I did stuff I said I would never do. I've broken promises, hopes, and walls.
It wasn't all bad. I've managed to overcome my pills addiction without any professional help. I went 211 days without taking any painkiller (that includes opioid,codeine, morphine, etc.). But without any addiction I felt lost. I missed the action of taking a pill, not the feeling that came with it. I was great for awhile, and then in August I broke my arm. The pain I felt was like no pain I felt in over 5 years. At that point I didn't have a choice but to take a pill. I still remember the feeling of having to take it. I really didn't want to, I was proud of my 211 days. I might not have been given a chip every month I went without pills but I sure did brag about it. Taking that pill in August was like giving a cold, fresh beer to a recovering alcoholic that had been sober for 7 months. It was hell. My arm did the action of bringing it to my mouth, but the mouth refused to open. I did this 5 times, then I call my mother. She said,"You are in pain. Take it. You need it for the pain, not for the feeling of getting high." After I hung up I took it. I cried. And cried. And cried.
Surprisingly, I did not start to take them again… as much as I did before. Now it's maybe twice a week, which is better than thrice a day. But I still needed something. Something to replace the addiction. That's when I started drinking… It was November.
For two week, I had 1 or 2 glasses of vodka per night. You might say that this is hardly an addiction or even dangerous. Just social drinking. I was alone when I drank. And it was all for the wrong reasons. You see, I believe I have what we call an addicting personality. A few friends helped me. Helped me understand that I didn't need that in my life. I stopped by mid-November. I was finally getting better and thinking happy thoughts. But life always has a surprise for me. HE texted me saying he was coming into town. Now I won't go into details but if you followed my few posts over the years, you know whom I'm talking about. I told him to come at my place (mistake number one), and then begged him to sleepover (mistake number two). He said yes. It goes without saying that we slept together (mistake number three). We then slept in the same bed for the night (mistake number four). Even thought I had wanted this, my bed still felt empty with him in it. I felt that after he got off, he was a completely different man. Cold, rough, detached... I know that he doesn't feel that way toward me but comeon, play the fucking game. After a little friendly chat the next morning he took off. I hug him goodbye (mistake number five). When that door closed, my heart shattered. I felt lost again. It felt like a breakup, it was worst than a breakup. The worst part in all of this was that I knew what I was getting into and what was to follow, but I thought I was stronger; I made myself believe that I was stronger. That's when I did the one thing I never thought I would do (mistake number six)…
December was really the coldest month in my year. Not because of the snow and rain, but because my heart was dead. I did not start drinking again, or exceed my pill intake (sure I took a few more than normally but nothing harmful). I did the one thing I thought would help me feel better. Self-harm. I'm not ashamed of saying it. It wasn't a cry for attention. I did it and that's it. My nails became my best friend, and my hand my enemy. Such an obvious place for the world to see, but I had the greatest explanation. My cats. "Oh, Elliot is always on me then scratches my hand when he jumps off". You see, so easy to believe when you don't know what is going through my mind.
Some of my close friends knew. They did all they could to help me. One I confided into, which I valued her opinions, didn't react as I thought. –quote- "I really don’t think I can handle it- it's my job to do that all week, and those ppl I can send to psych, etc. Get them the help they need. It sounds to me like you're reaching that point, but need me to listen… and I think it would be hard on me to just listen and not see you take steps to getting better. Know what I mean?! It panics me to think about it. So truly, I have to say- I care too much, you need more that just a chat with me. If you're drinking vodka & feel like you're dying/depressed…-You're such a good guy, but I'm scared that you're leaning on me for things I can't provide." –end quote-
Leaning on me for things I can't provide. Leaning on me… I just wanted to talk. I did not wanted to seek medical or professional help. Just for her to listen. That really really bothered me. She brought up the drinking part. I was far from drinking when that conversation happened, but she did not know that.
We've talked a bit since, and I think she was going through some stuff too, and it all came out the wrong way (often happens when you talk by texting). I see that now. But I didn't that day.
Just to be clear, even though I did all of those things, I will never commit suicide. It's not the way I want to go. Not now, not ever. Sure I wanted to die, truly I did. But never to my own hands.
I stopped a few days before the 21st I believe. I don't quite remember.
Christmas break came. I was so happy to be on vacation! Overall it was good! My spirits where up, I was happy (most of the time), and I was surrounded by people that love me- my family. I saw some friends I haven't seen in over 5 years. You know you are meant to be best friends for life when you meet up after all those years and it still feels like it was yesterday that you last saw each other. I have a handful like that and I feel truly bless for this.
Now I see that I had to do all of this -the drinking, the pills, the cutting, the guy. All of it. Without all of this I might not have opened my eyes. Now I see. I take the sign that I'm still alive in 2013 to enjoy life instead of trying to find ways to make me feel pain. Obviously the battle is not won. I might relapse, I might not. But if I do, I know that I can get through it since I've done it once. I know that I can beat it once more. I said mistakes in this post a few time but truly I don't see them as mistake but as experiences, not necessary lessons, because you are supposed to learn from lessons. But experience. Experience shapes who we are, who we become. They make us unique.
As I said, 2013 will be a good year.
