[hope]

Well, I have to say that this past few weeks were DEPRESSING! I can barely stand the others, let alone myself. I feel like there’s something missing in my life. Lately I have no motivation what so ever. I don't want to go to school; I don't want to get out of bed. I feel like I made a lot of mistake and they keep coming back in my face even if time has passed. I sometime wish I could turn back time to maybe try and fix a couple of things. I guess I don't like the place I am in my life right now... I miss my friends from university and they don't seem to miss me so that makes me feel sad. I'm stressed about the big debt I put myself into by wasting three years and a half at university. Also lately, I feel left out at college as well. I don't seem to connect with my classmates like I used to. I feel like I’m in high school mode all over again. There were dark moments in that time and I thought that I fought all those demons. But it seems that they are tougher to slay.

People say that November and February are two depressing months because of the weather. I couldn’t agree more, except that maybe the weather has nothing to do with it. I barely sleep and when I do, it’s a restless sleep. Vivid dreams fill my mind. I wake up more exhausted than when I went to bed. Pain is also taking over my body. I don’t know why and how it happened but everything hurts. Not an “Oh My God! I’m dying pain”, but still a pain that is there and letting me know that it’s there. I don’t want to act upon it. I don’t want to take medication for relieve because I know that I can get overwhelm with strong medicine. I know that I can stop if I go to far, but I don’t want to have to stop. I don’t want to deal with what I already dealt with. I feel a bit better writing these lines, knowing that someone that might understand what I’m going through might read it and feel better too. I know what you must think, that I have unresolved issues and you couldn’t be more right. I wouldn’t be “normal” if I didn’t have some. It may seem that they are “big” or “dangerous” issues, but I assure you that I am no danger to myself. I still have a powerful self-control. I just have a lot of frustration and it never been properly been taken care of. Maybe that is what the big thing is. Maybe this is what I should be talking about. My frustration.

I wouldn’t know where to start. I can’t complain about my upbringing. I had the most wonderful childhood a child could ask for. My parents never mistreated me. I don’t believe that I know two parents who could love their children more than mine. They did everything right, and they had it difficult since I was a difficult child (physically handicapped). But being handicap could be the starting point of my frustration. I mean, what child can be fully positive when having to live with a disability. It’s difficult, but also inspiring. Having been what I been trough and still be the wonderful person I am today, I can say that my parents did a magnificent job raising me. But always having to be different than the others can be tiresome at some times.

I don’t know, maybe it’s just me making minds out of nothing. I can be very imaginative. I often create my misfortunes; maybe I’m a sucker for pain, attention, or just idiot. We all have a life filled with experiences. No one have the same ones. That what make human kind so interesting. We always have something to say. It means that we live; that we go trough rough paths, but also wonderful ones that we can think back to when we are feeling like I’m feeling tonight. I know that that’s what keeping me sane. Those moments of pure joy and fun are putting a smile on my face, and keeping me from not giving up.

PS: On an unrelated note, Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Pt1 was simply amazing. My favourite by far. Also the soundtrack is mind-blowing and inspiring. Listening to it makes me smile and enjoy the day.

[christmas]

december is finally here, meaning christmas is near and also the end of the semester. i simply cannot wait !

[trust]

We look at eachother
And think that we know
Know who the person is or was
But what if they weren't

We trust without questions
And give without thinking
As long as we receive it too
We wont bother to find the truth

Some are living a lie
Some are living a life
But we are often
Living a life of lies

If we stop for a minute
And listen to the empty silence
We will finaly see the truth
That lives in those empty lies

And it is in that moment
That we will be able
To live, to breath
Freely...

[choices]

I’ve been thinking very deeply about what to write in this post. I wish to express myself with the crudest way possible. But it may seem that some people that read this would feel hurt. Over the past couple of months, school has been very boring compared to university. No projects, almost no homework (since I do them in class), the teacher are very easy-going and the stress level is way lower. You say, why am I complaining? You are right. Why am I complaining? The thing is I miss the challenge that university brought into my life. I guess I need to get away from that lifestyle and rethink the way I see stuff. I know it’s been a while since I last posted here. I had started with another post but that got scraped off the chart because it was babble and nonsense. There was no point into posting it. I’ve been travelling quite a bit lately: Caraquet each month, Campbellton, Edmundston and Halifax next weekend. I’m currently on my way to Edmundston for the rest of the week, with a quick stop in Campbellton. It a road trip with my cousin. I expect this to be a wicked and epic weekend. Then on Saturday, we will leave for Caraquet, where I’ll be till Monday. Then next weekend I’m going to Halifax with one of my best friend. We are going to see Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1: The IMAX Experience. I always told myself that I would see the last Harry Potter movie at IMAX (this is part one of the last movie). We reserved a hotel room and I cannot wait for it. This will be awesome. So November will be a busy month for me. Then comes December… Christmas shopping, festivities, family gatherings, etc. will fill my month.

I started thinking about the future again… and the same thing pops up: nothing. I literally can’t see into my future. I think about the job I’ll have, the place I’ll live, etc. but it’s blank, an empty dark hole. I know it seem depressing, but I actually feel calm about it. Sure, it’s discouraging, but it’s not like it’s something new. It always has been like that. I guess I just don’t want to grow up; maybe Peter Pan is my alter ego. I’ve been talking a lot about death with my friend lately, about my death. It doesn’t bother at all if I die. I’m not afraid. Sure, I didn’t experience every life’s gifts and all, but it would not bother me. I’m not at all suicidal in case you are wondering - not at all. It’s just that if death would present itself, I’d greet it with open arms. A great man once said: “After all, to the well-organized mind, death is but the next great adventure,” and he’s right. No one knows what is next, and that is why so many people are afraid of death, they don’t know what to expect, they are afraid of the unknown. I know it seem like I think too much about this and it could be unhealthy for me, but what can I say. It’s the way I am.

I also recently got some awesome news, you remember this summer when I went in Montréal and that I was ecstatic that I would have to go another five years to the hospital? Well, I just got a memo that they don’t cover the transportation fees, or hotel fees, that I have to pay everything. Well, that is not going to happen since I’m not made of money and going to Montréal for three days is quite expensive. Well, now I won’t be followed by a doctor there and I told them that if they weren’t the ones I’d quit. Well, I quit. This was a slap in the face. And because they gave me false hope last time I went there (I expletively ask if they would cover the cost and the y said yes) I didn’t had the chance to make respectful goodbyes to the people that are precious to me. [To the readers – to go saying that it should be my responsibility to paid or wronged me in any other way, don’t even bother commenting.] So that emotional breakdown that I avoid last summer will catch up with me soon enough. I cannot believe that they would make me think that I would go back, I know it probably wasn’t they’re intentions but it doesn’t change the fact that I left them there, without proper goodbyes after 16 years of frequenting them. I got the news this morning and it took all my willpower not to break down at college. I’m now expecting a call from a woman there, but what is the point? The lady told me she was going to call me to explain stuff. I know that I can’t pay to go there, so there is no point in explaining anything about the research. I’ve read the documents, I know what it consists in, but I’m sorry to decline the “offer”. I was beyond disappointed and sadden by this. So now, I wait. I wait for that breakdown to happen… to let it out of my system. I know it will happen… maybe sooner than later. I hope that the amount of alcohol that I will drink this weekend will let me forget this for while, so that I can enjoy myself, and not let the rage escape me. Oh yeah, I’m still working on anger management. I’m doing well so far. No more hitting walls, just bursting into tears once in a while. I guess that’s the best therapy for me. I also have been avoiding the painkillers for a while, quite proud of myself. I have a big self-control over addictions. I say that I don’t believe in them, but what I mean is that I don’t believe in them for ME. Not for the others - for me. I know that I can control myself and that I have the power to do so.

---[THIS JUST IN – an awful bitch - yes she deserve that title – just added me on Facebook. After all the shit she caused to someone VERY important to me she has the guts to add me on Facebook. I can’t wait to send her a lovely email telling to fuck off and die. She deserves that after what she did. I simply cannot believe I just got a request from her. She’s delusional if she thinks that I’ll actually add her. Like WTF!]---

On a last note, the past few months weren’t exciting, or challenging. I got a few bad news, a few good ones. Life goes on, and we just need to follow or we’ll get lost in it. Life has a funny way of putting different paths in our way - some that we never expected and others that we had a feeling that they would show up. Choices. That’s what it’s all about. The choice we make will decide where we’ll end up. And we always have a choice. No matter the situation.

[unknown]

After all, to the well-organized mind, death is but the next great adventure.

-a. dumbledore RIP

[Mistakes]

Well, there it is. I finally quit university and I’m in college. This was a big change I was anticipating for a while. Never would I have imagined myself studying in an English environment. Never. I’m so Pro-French. Not only did I surprise myself but everyone around me as well. I think I made the best decision… for the time being. But to be honest this course is a real joke. The courses are way too easy for me and they do not challenge my intellect; what an insult. After spending three years at a university, I find this environment boring. My computer classes basically consist of an intro to Windows 7 and the Office Suite 2007. I could have invented those programs, why am I taking an intro to them? They only classes that might give me trouble in the future are math and accounting, which I look forward to because I need something to do. But oh god, do I hate that keyboarding class. This will certainly not help my anger issues.

As the week go by, I start questioning my choice of courses. They really aren’t what I expected. I don’t know if it’s because I went to university for three years causing some expectations or just that I’m that talented. I feel like I’m wasting time, not that the career isn’t what I want but more the classes that I’m taking. It frustrates me that I have to go thought this. I know all this stuff; I should get exempted from some of my classes. I actually miss university, the ambience, the people, even the damn classes. I feel like the intellectual level isn’t the same. I don’t say that college is not as good as university, just not the same knowledge. Maybe I just miss the French environment more than anything and this demoralise everything else.

Also, I’ve been jobless for about a month and I really miss my job! More than I thought I would. You never really appreciate what you have until you lose it. I miss the people I worked with and the job itself. I went there yesterday for a meeting and that’s when it hit me. I don’t belong here anymore. It’s not MY place anymore. I should have reconsidered going there last night. It wasn’t such a great idea. Also I felt like the people didn’t really care about me. They showed interest in what I was doing and such, but I didn’t feel it at all. But I still miss them. I want it back so bad. I guess I have to move on, once again.

On another note, I’ve been thinking about some things that been bothering me since last year, a few leftovers that I should get rid of but mind cleansing isn’t easy. Those thoughts just keep coming back; like a boomerang. I just need to forget. I’m still hurting from those few that you already know about. I’ve made a mistake thinking that I would be ok. There’s something missing from my life; a puzzle piece that should have been there. Ok, I know that everyone’s missing something or someone, but it seems that lately that’s the only thing I can think about, the “what if’s”. Did I do the right decisions? The right mistakes? Maybe not. I may not have said the right things when the moments were right… or the bad things when the moments were wrong. Thinking back, I never listen to anyone but me. I should have. A few close friends gave me great advice that I didn’t take. I was wrong quite a few times in the past year. Maybe more than a few. I need to accept that I can’t always have what I want. I FINALLY acknowledge that I have anger management issues that I need to work on. I’ve been frustrated with pretty much everything that surrounds me. I had a hard life, I’m entitle to a few frustration, no? Life was never easy for me but I kept a smile on my face and thought positive thoughts, but beneath the surface I was still angry. Questions like “why me?” and “what did I deserve to be this way?” were always in my mind and are still there (side note; this is referring to my disability and not the fact that I’m gay (which I’ve fully embraced)). These are the unanswered questions without answer and I have to accept it. I have, but we all have doubts and these are mine. It’s like a gifted curse. Seeing the world from a different eye is something that others can’t have (although they have a different view than mine), but it has its consequences.

That’s all my rambling for now. Thanks for reading my constant whining J

[family]

WEDNESDAY, JUNE 30^TH

Well, I’m finally on vacation. FINALLY!!! I’m in a camper in Rivière du Loup, Québec for the rest of the week, with obviously no Internet connection. So by the time I post this the week will be done and I’ll be back in New Brunswick, to my so-called life. But in the meanwhile, I’m on VACATION, with my beloved family from my mother’s side. I haven’t seen them in forever, probably over 10 years. It’s definitely been a while. Unfortunately, my mother is not here with me, neither my sister. Work is keeping them away. Oh well, I’ll enjoy my time no matter what. I’m surrounded with people I love and I’m assured to have a blast in the next few days.

The ride here was uneventful, but nonetheless fun. Of course, it’s always fun with France. We laugh like crazy people, sang at the top of our lungs, and made funny faces to others car passing by. Now, after spending over 6 hours in the car, I’m exhausted. Can’t wait to put my head on that pillow and dream away. Well that’s it for today. I’m not sure if I’ll be able to post what I wrote each day, but I’ll try.

THUSDAY, JULY 1^ST

First full day in Rivière du Loup went great. Got to see a lot of family that I didn’t see in ages and got to meet a few new ones that weren’t there 10 years ago. Technically they’re not “new” family, but to me they’re new. First thing this morning, coffee on the patio, gossiping and relaxing in the so-so sun. Of course, it rained all day. Drizzles in the morning and afternoon, but full out showers of rain in the evening. We took walks, eat BBQ, played with the kids, I even took a nap this afternoon, while some of them went on a bicycle run. Nothing really exciting happened. Josée, Christian and the family arrived from Chicago this evening. Piper grew a lot since I was down there. She’s such a cutie pie. We can now have full conversations. Ha ha ha! She’s a little chatterbox and Beckett’s only 7 weeks old, a new addition to the family. I’m not sure what’s happening tomorrow. I’d like to go shopping a bit, but I’m not getting my hopes up on that. I absolutely need to go to a corner store to get something to drink, because that god-awful tap water is driving me insane. Also, I need my booze, my lovely alcohol.

SATURDAY, JULY 3^RD

So I’ve been sober for the past few days. There’s no worthy alcohol here in Rivière du Loup. What’s up with that! Ah well, I feel hungover no matter what. Today is the big day : The family reunion, the 80’s party. Everyone is going around running, stressing, when clearly everything is going to be ok. The weather yesterday was amazing. Sunshine all day, not a drop of rain, today however, the cold wind has joined the party and I think I might have caught a cold… or something like that. Yesterday was fun, all day we talked and caught up with the good old family members. I went to the Rivière du Loup shopping mall with josée and Gisèle, then France joined us and we went to do a little bit of groceries. We ate supper then everyone started to gather around the fire and started singing no so much camper songs. Surprisingly there were a lot of people, which was fun. I’m surprised that I was able to enjoy myself without a drop of alcohol in my dreadful body. It may seem that I drink a lot of alcohol, but I don’t. I just enjoy talking a few drinks once in a while. It’s kind of a way to open myself, but yesterday it seems like I didn’t need it. I was super confortable with everyone.

I was looking forward to swim this afternoon, but if that wind persists the odds that you see my jump in that pool are slim. The sky seems to clear up, but that damn wind is still here, blowing everything everywhere. Another flow of family members is supposed to arrive today. The party starts at 2 pm, so they should arrive around that time. Everyone at the camping site is gone either to help organising the party or preparing their costume, or just taking care of their little life. I wish I could take the summer of like them and just come here and relax. All summer long. I guess maybe in 50 years or so I’ll that my retirement and then I’ll be able to “live the life”. I just realize that it’s been awhile since I wrote a poem on this blog. Perhaps there’s no more need to pen my thoughts that way. They all seem depressing, but it was a good way to cope with whatever pain I was in.

I’m going insane, my Facebook account is “temporary disconnected” because the network my phone is roaming on cause a alarm. Facebook thought someone was hacking my account. They only way to reactivated it is to go online on a computer and answer a bunch of security questions. With no internet connection that’s kind of hard to achieve. Oh yesterday I got an email telling me that I won a Kindle! I won a goddamn Kindle. That was something I was not expecting at all. I can’t wait to get it now. I always wanted to try one but I wasn’t ready to put my money in that kind of thing. Well now I won’t have to. The only downside of this is that I love reading a physical book. If I buy a book on the kindle store, that doesn’t give me access to the book itself but an electronic copy of it. The publishing and books world should start giving an electronic copy of a book when you buy the actual physical copy of it. A bit like when you buy a DVD you get a digital copy of the film. This way I could enjoy my book both ways, physically and electronically. Maybe one day it would come to this. The first book I’m planning on buying, if I get the Kindle anytime soon, would be Twilight (probably the entire saga) – and Harry Potter. Books I know I’ll read over and over. Of course, I already have them at home, but when I go on vacation, I’d like a good book that I know I’ll enjoy with me without having the brick that the book is. I also won two books from Sean Cumming. I should go on vacation more often, I keep winning stuff.

So tonight is the big party. We’re all going to be wearing 80’s apparel. This will definitely be funny. I think everyone will be participing, which is great. There’ll be music, food, dancing, games, kids, family, friends anything a party needs to be a blast.

SUNDAY JULY 4^TH

What a night last night was. I have the best family there is! At first, in the afternoon, it was a bit awkward. Especially when we arrived, we weren’t sure where to go, well I wasn’t sure. I was the only one from my immediate family there and everyone was asking questions about where was my mom. It bothered me because I know she didn’t have a good reason not to come. It saddened me because some of them won’t be there at the next reunion in two years. Anyways, we all arrived at Lisette and music, games, pool, and chitchatting was already ongoing. I’ve talked with about everyone there were to talk. Reconnect with old forgotten.

It was weird being part of the “adults” world and seeing all the kids play together. I remember not so long ago I was at their place. It’s a bit sad because you see the difference between having fun and having to be careful, be responsible, etc. Sometimes I wish I could go back, and enjoy this non-stress environment. I guess we eventually have to grow up and face those changes. It’s too bad Peter Pan isn’t here to help.

We eventually ate and then headed to the dance room. It was a nicely decorated little room. Some of us were disguised in 80’s persona. One thing that I absolutely hated about the night was the DJ. It’s maybe not his fault but I really didn’t like the music choice and the DJ job. He was doing it for free so I guess that’s ok. At the end, I was tired, cranky and in pain, so I just wanted to go to bed and sleep.

Today we’re leaving. It’s the end of my vacation; I really don’t want to go back to work. So we packed the car, roamed around. Having said my goodbyes, France and I hit the road. A long drive was ahead of us. Over 6 hours in a car was going to drive me crazy and it did. It was painfully long, nothing like Wednesday’s trip. It was hot, boring, and I was awfully tired.

[a.new.beginning]

It's 6 AM, and obviously I can't sleep. It's been a while since I've had decent night. I'm in Montréal, and the weather is shitty. On Tuesday it was sunny and hot :P but since yesterday, ugh, the rain keeps on pourring. Exactly like home. This trip was supposed to be my last. That was the reason for my letter. As the day got by, I say my goodbyes to everyone, eyes filled with tears, reminiscing the memories. Then a new lady approched me with a new reseach. A follow up that will extend on 5 years and maybe more in the future. This was the door I was looking for. An extension! After crying and making everybody cry all day, we rejoiced that this wasn't the last goodbye we thought it was. So we're leaving this afternoon, I have a appointment at the Neurological Institute at McGill for a CT scan. I hope the find something new so they can at least try to find a alternative to fix what's wrong with me. Oh and at the Shriners they decided to gave me another treatment, ZOL, i like the name because it makes me think of ZOD in superman hahaha. I know Geeky me! So as I look back at all the good years I've had here, i think about the new 5 years. Will they be as wonderful as the last ones. I sure hope so. No more goodbyes, only Hellos

[one.last.time - Integral Edition]

NOTA : This was writing 6 months ago…

Hi :)

This is an important message from Bernard Albert Theriault.

I'm writing this out of nowhere. I think it's more like a thank you note for everything you've done for me over the past ten years or more. In 6 months, the day I fear will happen, my last visit at the Shriners. I've dread that day since I turned 17. Saying goodbye to most of you will probably kill me. Every time I think about it, tears fill my eyes. I feel like a part of me will die or like losing a limb. I've been going to the Shriners since 1995. 16 years. And I never regretted or feared any visit, operation or treatment. Going to the Shriners was like going to Disney Land for me. The people I met there are filled with so much love, richness, joy, etc. the list could go on forever. The people there made me what I am today, the amazing person that I became. I hear a lot of them saying they can’t be friends because of the job. But no matter what they say, they became friend in spite of it all. Everyone touched me in a way they cannot imagine. I sometime wonder if my life would be the same if I haven’t got the luck of meeting all of you. And every time I think about it, the same answer comes to mind: never. Never would I have the strength and self-esteem I have today without you guys. All these years, I’ve learned so much from you. I know it’s time to move on. I see children saying to their parents that they don’t want to go to the hospital; I stop and think if I ever said or thought that. Never. That’s go for the Shriners, obviously. It’s hard saying everything I want to say in this letter. There’s so much more. Knowing it’s the last time I’ll see most of you breaks my heart. You’re the ones, beside my parents, that believe in me and that encourage me to continue. You’re the ones that had hope in me, that make me want to continue and not give up. You were there for the most difficult time of my life, holding my hand. I have a hard time writing this without letting the tears fall down. Right now, that 21 years old policy is making my life a living hell. I’ve never wanted this to end. But I guess all good things come to an end.

Everyone at the Shriners had their take in helping me, even the one I’ve never met. All the nurses, who kept smiling at me, giving me hope. The Physio and Ergo team, that were there holding my hand, and making me break all my barriers, making me push my limits and believing in me. The Doctors, Glorieux and Fassier and the rest of the team, that help me get better, making me walk thanks to their ingenious ways. The Radiology team always had the word to make me laugh and smile no matter what the situation was. The “PARC” and school team, Angie, Dominic, Marie, Maria and the others, that made my stay at the Shriners a magical one each time. The Administration team, Audrea Smith, Rose-Marie, Marie-Claire, Josée Perron, and every ones else helped me in so many ways. To all of you I say Thank you. You all deserve more than a mere thank you. Without you, Shriners Hospital for Children wouldn’t be what it is today: a kingdom of hope for every child that is sick, a fun place to recover from everything, a place where they can be there self and a place where they are free.

I hope this letter reaches everyone at the Shriners. If you don’t remember my name, I was number 20000 before the system changed. I would appreciate if you reply to this personally.

I hope seeing you all in 6 months (16 June 2010), and again, THANK YOU.

With love, Bernard Albert Theriault

[one.last.time]

Well, this is it. Next week will be my last trip to the Shriners Hospital in Montreal. Fear. That's the only word I can think about when I think about next week. I've been thinking about this moment since i turned 17. I knew by the age of 21 the end would come, but I didn't think it would come this fast. The people up there are like a second family for me. They've been part of my life fo the past 15-16 years. That hospital wasn't like any other hospital. For me it was a vacation. A place to be me. A place where no judgement are made. I'm in forever debt to the people i've meet there. They're the one who made me believe that there was something else to life. Hope for me. I've meet so many incredible people. They weren't just doing their job. They cared for you. 

I feel like a part of me will die or like losing a limb. I've been going to the Shriners since 1995. 16 years. And I never regretted or feared any visit, operation or treatment. Going to the Shriners was like going to Disney Land for me. The people I met there are filled with so much love, richness, joy, etc. the list could go on forever. The people there made me what I am today. The amazing person that I became. I hear a lot of them saying they can’t be friends because of the job. But no matter what they say, they became friend in spite of it all. Everyone touched me in a way they cannot imagine. I sometime wonder if my life would be the same if I haven’t got the luck of meeting all of them. And every time I think about it, the same answer comes to mind: never. Never would I have the strength and self-esteem I have today without these people. All these years, I’ve learned so much from them. I know it’s time to move on. I see children saying to their parents that they don’t want to go to the hospital; I stop and think if I ever said or thought that. Never. That’s go for the Shriners, obviously. Knowing it’s probably the last time I’ll see most of them breaks my heart. They're the ones, beside my parents, that believe in me and that encourage me to continue. They're the ones that had hope in me, that make me want to continue and not give up. They were there for the most difficult time of my life, holding my hand. I have a hard time writing this without letting the tears fall down. I’ve never wanted this to end. But I guess all good things come to an end.

Everyone at the Shriners had their take in helping me, even the one I’ve never met. All the nurses, who kept smiling at me, giving me hope. The Physio and Ergo team, that were there holding my hand, and making me break all my barriers, making me push my limits and believing in me. The Doctors, Glorieux and Fassier and the rest of the team, that help me get better, making me walk thanks to their ingenious ways. The Radiology team always had the word to make me laugh and smile no matter what the situation was. The “PARC” and school team, Angie, Dominic, Marie, Maria and the others, that made my stay at the Shriners a magical one each time. The Administration team, Audrea Smith, Rose-Marie, Marie-Claire, Josée Perron, and every ones else helped me in so many ways. To all of them I say Thank you. They all deserve more than a mere thank you. Without them, Shriners Hospital for Children wouldn’t be what it is today: a kingdom of hope for every child that is sick, a fun place to recover from everything, a place where they can be there self and a place where they are free.

[skin] - Inside out

inside out
ripped from my skin
feels cold
feels naked

but as we are inside out
we're all the same
we feel all the same
because no more skin
means no more feelings

no more distinctions
no more pain
no more skin
no more sin

[knowledge vs ignorance]

Lately, everyone keeps disappointing me. I don't know if I'm just loosing faith in humankind or just tired of all the bullshit that's going on. The way that some people thinks disgust me. Disrespectful would be a good word to describe their actions. For instance, lately, I've took consciousness of how the expression ''that's gay'' can hurt the people I love. I've never used that expression, but a lot of my friends use it and doesn't realize the impact those words can have in the society. If no one stop and explain to them what it does, they'll just continue using it and being ignorant. But as I try to sensitize everyone around me, some keep arguing that since they don't use that expression against the gays or in a homophobic sense, it's OK to use it. NO, that's the point, it's never OK to use an expression that discriminate a group of person. That makes them less important to others, that separates them. We use that expression to describe something ''stupid''. So being gay is being stupid? They'll answer no, it's just an habit. Just an everyday saying. I try to explain to them the meaning behind it. They get frustrated and starts arguing with me. I'm just doing my job. Trying to help, to prevent. A lot of young teenagers and young adults commit suicide because of words like that. They get the perception that it's bad to be gay. It's dirty, unmoral, against the laws of nature, etc. but it's NOT. It's perfectly normal to be gay. It's not a choice someone would make. Why would someone choose to be different and made fun of? We need to take those stereotypes out of the common mind. The perception that some people have can influence the others that are ignorant as well and those people will influence again some others. If nobody does something to try and kill that expression, it will stay and spread like powder. We are the voice of the future. They are too. We need to explain and make them comprehend that their action are seen and influential. Parent, educator, political figures, celebrities, etc. should understand that the children are listening to every words that are coming out of their mouth and imitates them. The media is the most influential process that exist in the 21th century. As time goes by, I'm loosing faith in humankind. They never learn, and those who does are trying their best, but they are crush by the majority, who don't give a shit. We can only hope that the ones that does learn will go far and do something about it. If not, are we doomed ?

[trying]

It's been two month since I've died. Living after that is hard. Knowing what's been and what I've lost is painful. I've had a hard time opening myself to people, but i'm getting better. Taking one day at a time, but at the same time, knowing there's a tomorrow hurts as well. Carrying those thoughts and secrets. Bearing the silence of shame and pain. Sometimes I wish I would just go to sleep and never wake up. Living in my dreams would be better. adventures, love, magics, etc. happens when I sleep. Too bad life is boring. I've reconnect with an old friend of mine. I can truly say that I've miss her a lot in the past few years. She's one of the few pieces of my past that I never want to forget. Another good thing that happened, 2 weeks ago, I went and got myself a kitten. Cutest little thing on earth! We named him Elliot (after the mule deer Elliot in open season), and he's a ginger. He'll be 8 weeks old tomorrow (Friday). The other cats seems to be comfortable with him which is a good thing. Like the title of this post says, i'm trying. Trying to think positively everyday (which seems impossible for me), trying to be optimistic about stuff and life and most important of all, trying to live. Live everyday to the fullest. Even tho people gets in my way. I just ignore them and feel sorry for them. Sorry because they're ignorant; living with old values. I've also recently joined the LGBT group on campus, called UNsurDIX (one on ten). I am now an Executive! They few times I've meet with those people where awesome. Finally a place where some understand some of my pain, worries, goals, etc.


Right now the littles things that makes me happy are quality time with my sister (watching Sailor Moon) hahaha, playing on my old gameboy color (brings back a lot of memories) and spending times with my dearest friends. Even thought some days don't goes like planed, I try to take the good stuff of it and be thankful.

[one]

sometimes it's dark
sometimes it's bright
but whenever your near
it's always clear

your touch
your sight
your breath
your smell

everything that's you
intoxicates me
drowns me
eats me

you're the one
that was always there
you're the one
that will always be

[cure]

it's so hot
against your frozen body
lost in your dark eyes
lost in time

because when you look at me
time stops
i loose my breath
i loose all fear

you look at me like a prey
i should fear you
but instead i feel safe
i feel you

your love is my poison
but also my antidote
i can't resiste to taste you
because i know you'll cure me

[follow.me]

follow me
into the unknown
to see it there's something
worth fighting for
because we're together
we'll surely win
but just in case
lets hold hands
and never let go

five little lessons :]

Lesson number one - normal is boring. You have to be UNIQUE, extravagate, explosive.

Lesson number two - normal is overrated.  Who’s to say what’s normal.

Lesson number three - do what you love, not what you like.

Lesson number four - being healthy is better than being sick (and who loves someone sick).

Lesson number five - don't take everything too personally, life is a joke, so laugh.

[survival]

This week went by so fast :O. We're already Friday and Monday seems like yesterday. Maybe it's the back to school thing and the mid-semester that's making it go fast. Well we won't complaint :). It seems like i'm becoming a bit forgetful lately. Usually i'm a guy that never forgets anything; names, faces, things i ask or say, things i do. everything. but lately, i forget all of those things. It's a bit scary since i'm not use to it. Is there something wrong with me ? Maybe. It wouldn't surprise me. What would cause such a distress. I like remembering everything. I know everything. Now I have blanks and blurriness. Beside, it's who I am.

I've got all my results from past tests from two weeks ago. All good notes, I'm happy with myself. It's fun to not study and pass everything. That goes with me knowing everything. I don't forget.

Got to hang out with a few friends, which was nice since I haven't seen them in a while. We went out to IPN on friday which was wicked. Oh and I got my nose pierced :)

xoxo

[hope]

Finally seeing the sun
In this dark world
For what it’s worth
I won’t pass

Warm feelings
Overfilling
Inside and out
fresh air
new beginning

For once
freedom
for once
no illusions

No more regrets
only hope

[waiting]

being here
looking lost
just so you know
that i'm keeping strong
another one goes away
behind the black sheet


despair
scared
trying to find
a way to bring you back


if you come back
i'll be waiting
because
i'm desperate
like the most of us


we wait
just to let go
and once we did
we live again
just to fall
once more

[believe]

believe
hope
because in the end
it's all that matters

one day
our dreams will come true

and on that day
i'll be here
with you

savoring every moment
like it's the last one

one last time
to be in your arms
in your eyes

believe
hope
because in the end
i'll be with you

[Giraphosaur]

this is what i did in my art class, a giraphosaur ! Isn't like the cutest thing ever ! It's like a dead girafe and a dinosaur ! Woo Go motivation !!!

[just the two of us]

feeling alone
feeling gone
just the two of us
waiting in the dark
a few knows
but only we understand
we can't face it
the horrible truth
the only ones
that will understand are
just the two of us
waiting for redemption

[life]

living is a temporary feeling. it starts when you're born and ends when you die ...

[one]

one too much
one too late
one too soon
i just want you to be the [one]

[help]

you've hurt me
i can't hate you
help me.

[hell.in.paradise]

Tuesday, March 2.

So just spend the week with a friend in Truro. Fun times, even though the city is quite boring when you have no way to get around, oh and yeah everyone is English… boo me! So, I got to practice my English. I had the chance to go see my dad. It was the first time I saw him in his pad. Lovely place. He seems to get by ok. The only bad thing here is I stop eating for most of the day. I know it’s bad but I don’t seem to get hungry. I only eat around supper time. And when I eat I feel sick… can someone say anorexic much? FML.

I’m probably leaving around Thursday because a lot of friends are coming down in Moncton and i want to have the chance to see them as well. I’ll take the bus in the morning, so I’ll probably be in town around 11, if the damn bus isn’t late like Sunday. We had to wait an extra hour for the bus to leave for god knows what reason. I was afraid to fall asleep not to miss my stop.

I’m feeling quite good about myself these past days. I think coming here was good for me. I wanted to say to my dad that I’m gay but haven’t got the guts to tell him yet. Stupid me and stupid conscience. Always telling me the possibilities of shit that could happen. I’ve also been sleeping a lot, like really a lot, Full nights and most of the day while he’s in class. I’m not sure that’s a good thing. Maybe i really need the rest or maybe my body is telling me something. Either way it’s bothers me that I’m either really tired or maybe sick. I should go see a doctor and get a quick check up. But, the doctors in Moncton are quite ill and dumb to my satisfaction. Don’t trust them and won’t.

Meanwhile, I wonder if coming here to visit my friend was a mistake or not. Feelings are unveiling and I not quite sure what to think of them. I knew what I felt for him and he knew as well. But as the week go by, I’m afraid I’m going to be the one standing hurt and wound… like always. I just wish he could untangle his feeling so he could make a choice. I guess life doesn’t always get you what you want but I’m so used to get what I want. One of my mottos is “What Bernard wants, Bernard gets”. And usually it works, I get what I want and get away with it. But this time it seems to be a lost cause, and that scares me because for once I really let myself go and show my true feelings. And I probably wasn’t worth it. Of course, I’ll get thought it and get over it like usually. It wouldn’t be the first time he’d do this to me. I just can’t get enough of him. Or maybe there’s something wrong with me? I’m maybe broken or something and I just can’t go by without pain. Pain is like a drug to me I guess, I’m so used to it that when I don’t have any I must find some one way or another. But when I think of it, I feel sick, dirty, like why do I want that kind of lifestyle. I think that maybe there’s something wrong with the wired in my brain and I’m left here, thinking the wrong thing is the right thing.

Maybe that’s the way I’m supposed to feel, since pain played a great part in my life. Perhaps the day I will be painless, will be when I’m dead? Or become immortal of course, that’s on my “to do” list before the end of the world.

I like to write this stuff. I get philosophical some times and the next day I forget what I was thinking of. Maybe by writing this down, I’ll overcome some of my many issues. Some sort of therapy. I mostly think of great stuff when I’m about to go to sleep. Once I wrote what I was thinking in that moment and it was GREAT. Best shit, I ever wrote. But I’m way too lazy to do that every single time. I should like invent a machine that can read and write my mind. That would be super wicked.

Of course, that would be awesome, but at this moment, I’m merely a student in university, and don’t have time for that. University, urgh, what a waste of time! I’m feeling less and less convince by its utility. Also, I’m not even sure I still want to be a teacher. I’ve thought of quitting, for quite a while actually. But it seems to lead nowhere. Everyone thinks I shouldn’t quit and blah blah blah. Like why would you care what I do with my life?

Wow this post was supposed to sums up my week in Truro. Turns out I had a lot on my mind. Well it helps so why not?

Wednesday, March 3.

Last day up here in Truro. Leaving tomorrow morning. Not quite sure what to do. He didn’t go to his course so we slept in this morning. Weirdest fucking dreams. I dreamt that the Disney Store reopened in Moncton and it was wicked huge. Like the size of a Wal-Mart huge. But then I go into the restroom and take a bath. Like WTF? A bath in the store? Like weird. Then I’m not quite sure what happen, it’s all fuzzy. Anyways, I woke up and here I am, writing this. It’s a weird post; it looks like there’s no linear chronology. It’s just I don’t have internet so I can’t post when I’m writing so it’s going to be one hell of a big post. Ok, so I just added date where the post should start so that helps a little.

Urgh, I can’t believe that I haven’t told dad I’m gay. That was like the purpose of my trip. The raison d’être of it. I really don’t want to tell him on msn. But it seems that’s going to be it. I think I can’t bear to see his face when I tell him. Maybe he’ll understand. I know he probably take it hard. I understand. He’s losing the perfect son. I won’t blame him if he doesn’t want to talk for a while, time to process the information. It’s doesn’t bother me, like I said I understand.

We went to Damascus for supper for Maria’s birthday. Then we gathered in Maria’s room for cake, nice crew, they’re all nice and funny, but I didn’t know them so it was a bit awkward. So I’m back in his room. He doesn’t seem to care I’m leaving tomorrow, and I can’t say it doesn’t bother me. I knew he didn’t feel the same way but can’t he at least try? He just kept playing with his ITunes and computer. I just stopped trying since I’m already hurt. I don’t know why I keep putting myself in those situations where I know I’m going to end up hurt. It feels like my heart is ripping apart. I feel like I can’t get over him and move on. I think I keep hoping he’ll change his mind or something. Stupid feelings… I’ll probably spend tomorrow crying or something, like last time. Like I mentioned before, maybe I’m draw to pain. I hope he enjoyed my stay, that he’ll invite me again. But like I said, he doesn’t seem to care. He once said to me that we could be all “cuddly” and “intimate” in private but not in public. It hurts so much I can’t look into his eyes. The first two days were amazing. Everything I’d hope for. But yesterday and today, he keeps telling me that he doesn’t feel well and shit. Like WTF, why are you acting all “love-y” one day then play cruel bitch with me the next. I don’t blame him though, he warned me, but I have a hard time getting around that loop.

We settle down to watch a movie and he didn’t even try to cuddle or anything so I just gave up and tried not to cry.

Thursday, March 4.

                So this morning was as painful as yesterday. I woke up and started packing and then he woke up and we talked a bit. He then says goodbye and goes to take a shower and leaves me here. So, I’m like fuck this shit. I called the taxi and got the fuck out of there. My day couldn’t go worst, that’s what I told myself but then, while buying my bus ticket, the clerk tells me that the bus will be around 2 hours late. At this time I’m like FML. So instead of going back to his place I stayed at the bus station and wait. So FINALLY the bus arrives and we get on it. Everything’s going fine until we get in Sackville. BAM while backing up the fucking bus hits a car and we have to stay here for at least an hour. Like can this day go any shittier, with my luck, probably… at least I’ve learned something today: fuck the bus. Next time (there’s probably not going to have a next time) I’ll take the fucking train. So worst fucking march break ever. I was so anxious for it; I couldn’t wait for it to come. And now, I just wish it never happened. 

[another day]

Today, we had this huge snow storm. Almost 2 feet of snow! Not really amazing when you come from where i'm from. This is nothing! Can't say I was too happy to see this when waking up this morning. Unfortunately, classes weren't cancel... well they closed the university at like 12. meaning i still when to my morning class. When home to find the roomy cleaning, which is fantastic cuz i really wasn't in the Cinderella mood today. One of our friend came here to stay while the storm calmed itself. We watched Monster Inc. ... cute movie. but feel asleep so i decide it was time for a nap. 


I try to study and do some homework, but the procrastinator in me won and well, didn't do much. Watched Buffy most of the day then around 8 my friend picked me up and we went for a quick shopping at the mall. The roads were pretty bad. We made it safe :)


So this is pretty much it for today. Hopefully tomorrow will be the day i catch up in all my school work and finish those damn projects. 


laterrr !

a new blog...

Well, trying this for a bit. We'll see where it goes. 


Well the week started well... didn't started well. I just want to quit everything and crawl under my bed and cry. I'm loosing fate in myself as time goes by. Some people thinks that I'm not worth it and that i should give up. 


Perhaps if I could be a bit more motivated in term of what are my goals and projects for the future everything would be ok. But as it is, it's not ok. Lately i'm been questioning my choices in life up till now. Wondering if I did all the right decisions, if I chosen the right path. I guess the next few weeks will help me make the changes that needs to be done. The problem is that i can't figure out what i want in life. What is my purpose. Why am I here. What difference I can make. Those type of problems. I want to think everything will turn out ok. But as time go by, i can't ensure that I'll be able to make all those choices. I don't feel strong enough to go through all of those choices. 

yo